15 January 2001

Let's start with the exam. I finally went to see her, my lecturer, Puan Azrina. She wouldn't accept my excuse. Obviously. Who would accept such lame excuse. It clearly showed that I didn't make any effort to avoid such circumstances from happening. Well, I guess I had to rely on the second and final exam then. A few days ago my mental health was absolutely unstable. I can't concentrate on anything especially my studies. And then Rose told me she was unable to come here anytime soon. She just got herself a computer and she had to teach her nephews on weekends or something. Moreover her class begins this week. I was very let down by this recent developments. Just as I have made some fabulous plans for her visit. Just as I made my mind to love her.

So I decided that this uncertainties have to stop. I went to the train station, bought a return ticket to Johor Bharu and cancel most of my appointment and plans for the weekend. I just had to see her and clear everything else once and for all with her. So there I went and arrived there safe and sound. The ride there was super-cold as usual. So cold that I had to go outside between the coaches a few times to warm myself up. In JB, I took a bus to Bukit Saujana. There I had a quick show at the mosque and went to meet her at the Larkin Terminal. She already had plans for me actually. First we went to Pontian, to Aida's place. You know that poor guy that fell head over heels for me? Yeah, that one. She looked much better now. I had somebody already wanted her hand in marriage. Well, all the best for you. We had lunch there at her house. Not too far away from the sea. In fact we walked to the seaside afterwards. The three of us, Rose, Aida and her best friend Meow. Meow, that's the name people affectionately called her anyway. I have no idea what her real name is. We took some pictures by the beach. Somebody mentioned that I looked less skinny now. Obviously. I have this crash diet plan to get fat again. It worked.

Later we took another bus back to JB. I paid for the fare this time. Meow volunteered to pay for the fare the first time so I had to insist that I pay. That said, Rose still pays for the majority of this trip. I felt really awkward everytime. She said she didn't mind at all. Of course she would say that. That's so like her. Then we went to visit Holiday Plaza, a must-visit place everytime I come down here. I wanted so much to hold her hand while walking around the place. I didn't even look at all those exciting new CD titles at the shops. Too bad Meow was still with us so I had to keep my composure. We walked around a bit more and then sat down for a drink and chat. We talked about everything. I asked mostly about her life and how she's doing. After that we took a bus to the city, this time to City Square. That's where everything happened.

I was dying to hold her hand from the moment we exited the bus all the way to the entrance and up the first floor and then the second floor. I was to chicken to. Finally I asked her on the 3rd floor. I whispered softly in her ear and said "can I?". First she didn't understand but when I reached out my hand and took hers, she was quite surprised. Very-very surprised actually. We walked to the railings looking down the mall. I asked her how she felt. As I said just now, she was really surprised. So I told her to remember what she said a few months ago via SMS. She said she remembered and she also remembered reading what I wrote about H. It happens to be that that single letter changed how she felt about me. Clearly we had to talk more about this. So we went to pray first next door at Komtar amd meet up again at this KFC downstairs. There we had this very long heart to heart conversation.

I think I screwed up big time. My words were all jumbled up and I was literally stuttering. I must say I'm terrible with this slow talk thing. That said, she also told me everything about her past too. How her first boyfriend did her wrong. He was from the same college as her and they were even engaged. Then he goes out and fools around with other girls. Still Rose stood up for him for a while. And then after they finally broke up she was still friends with him and gave him support and encouragement with his studies when he was about to be kicked out of college. Then about her boyfriend after that. He was incidentally my course-mate during our matriculation in Kolej Islam Johor. Of course I was surprised that she took Hafiman so seriously. To me Hafiman is nothing but one big jerk. Too bad she didn't know that sooner. She had no idea what he's really like. I know. I live in the same building with him for a year. And what's up with Husnizar? She told me he also had feelings for her. Later that guy met some other girls and become totally rude to her. Now I know how she was heartbroken. Twice. So when I told her that I loved her on the 3rd floor she was afraid that history might repeat itself. She's afraid that I might change or she herself might change sometime in the future. She told me how special and different I am from all the boys she knew before and she doesn't want me to break my heart or something. She's had enough experience with bad boys and she wanted the next guy in her life to be her lawfully wedded husband.

What's more somebody made inquiries to her dad about her and her dad really liked the guy. Rose obviously doesn't approve of this and she even threatened to run away from home if they insist. All her life her dad has been keeping a close eye on her only daughter. No boys had ever come to her house to see her and whenever some guy called her house to talk to Rose, her dad would change the telephone number. Yes, he went to that extreme. So when I came to see her at the fun fair last year, I kinda broke her family tradition. I was the first guy to meet her parent not to mention her brothers. Being the only daughter and also the youngest sibling in the family made her rather special in the eyes of her family. The funny thing is she also said the first guy to come and see her family is likely to be her husband too. I don't know whether to be flattered or freaked out. After that meeting at the fun fair, she was bombarded with questions from her family. Some approves of me but the rest didn't. Me coming into her life had apparently made a huge impact on their family. From what I heard, her dad made 2 of her brothers marry the women chosen by him. Fortunately for her only daughter he leaves it for her to decide.

I do have a lot more to tell you but for now let's cut the story short. She in the end she told me let's wait for 2 years. If nothing bad happens, nothing that would change hers or my mind when we should be together. In two years time, I had to send a representative to ask her hand in marriage. That thought about marriage sends shivers down my spine. This isn't really what I had in mind when I came down there. It's definitely too early for me to be thinking about that. Obviously I am not ready. I can't really take care of myself right now let alone another person. But Rose, she's already thinking about the future. She's already thinking about her future kids and how they will turn out to be. She said I'm kind of smart and tall so our kids will be something like that too. Well, I hate to tell you this dear but I can act rather dumb sometimes. And for the height, who knows they might inherit yours :) These thoughts had never crossed my mind before so I am kind of scared. Scared to meet her family. How would her brothers react to me? One of them don't even like people from Kelantan. Can't trust people from that state he said. What's up with that? Although my dad hails from Penang, I'm still proud to call myself a Kelantanese cause that's where I spent most of my life at.

For me, I'm almost sure that I won't change much in the next 2 years or so. She on the other hand couldn't promise that. She was afraid she might let me down. Well, if that's how you feel then I can't help you. It's all up to you. Of course if she did change her mind, I would be devastated (again). I always wanted to find this tall, beautiful girl as my wife. After meeting her, that doesn't really matter now. Looks can be deceiving. Beauty is skin deep. It's what inside that matters. She's a strong girl for her age. How she handles all those challenges in life. I thought she would be ecstatic when I told her how I feel. Obviously I was wrong. Now it's me whose nuts over her. Why I didn't tell her that is still a mystery. Well, being blinded by H's beauty is one explanation. Talking about H, she told me she feels disgusted when I go about whining and being miserable for something like that.

Now I must change. I'll have to forget about H and go on with my life. Even-though she might change but until then, she would keep me motivated with life. Besides, she wouldn't want to marry a failure right? Nevertheless, I did get to hold her hand that day. Even only for a while. That's the first time for me. They were really soft and gentle. Anyway I did apologize to her if I had offended her or something by my action. She said she didn't mind. Yes she's good with words like that. Before we part she showed me her photo album. Man, that Aiman guy was not good-looking at all. Honestly. I know a bangla petrol pump attendant whose more handsome. The same goes to Hafiman and Husnizar. Too bad she's so far away. Talking on the phone all the time will hurt my wallet bad. Plus I don't know whether going down there seeing her often would make her happy or makes her bored of seeing me instead. Apparently I'm very much in love with her. I think she's The One. I would build my courage to see her family. Even if it means mustering every ounce of my manly strength to do that. As far as I can remember, she's the first person that I have ever uttered those 3 magic words. Yes I did told her that on the 3rd floor of City Square. Now I must close my eyes on other girls (what's up!). And study real hard and send somebody to propose her in 2 years time. I hope her brother would change her mind by then. If not, who cares. I'm not marrying her brother or anything.

Last night I met with a minor accident at the BP gas station near home. The floor was rather slippery after rain and I fell with my bike and cut my toe. It's is till bleeding and hurts like hell as I am writing this. Rose was mortified when she heard about that. I shouldn't have told her stuff like that. It will only make her worry. Ah well.