19 December 2017



One of my more unforgettable childhood memory was spending the year end school holiday in Penang with my paternal grandmother. My siblings and I we didn’t actually go there every year but a few times only when my father is not too busy too pick us up in Pasir Mas and drive all the way to Gelugor. Oftentimes we were excited to be in Penang on that time of year. We always look forward to going to the Penang Fair towards the end of our stay. In the meantime however, there’s not much we could do except to play amongst ourselves in the house. Nobody to take us out. Father only comes back a few weeks later to pick us up.

For much of her later life, my paternal grandmother or Tok as we affectionally call her, lived with her sister Tok Bibik in her home in Lengkok Pemancar, Gelugor, Penang. Ever since my father been in and out of job and later, started a new family with my present stepmother, she’d been sort of neglected by her only remaining son. If it wasn’t for Tok Bibik’s kindness, I couldn’t imagine how she would lead her life. So in a way, Tok Bibik was pretty close too us. I remembered her for all her kindness and generosity. It is no surprised that I shed a few manly tears when she passed away today. She’s been ill and weak for a few months now and today she passed away peacefully from natural causes. I don’t often cry but when I do it must be because of something really sad.

Rest in peace Tok Bibik, may you find jannah in the afterlife.

13 December 2017



I got a call at work today from a doctor from the Klang hospital asking me to come see him as soon as possible. Apparently he’s been calling my sisters as well, had something really important to talk about. So I rushed there right after work. From Seri Kembangan to Klang. It drizzled halfway there and then the sun shone brightly up ahead. I met my sister Lina on the way near Aeon Bukit Raja. We went to the hospital together in her car. Could have met at the hospital, easier but somehow she wanted me to drive there.

We met an intern next to my father’s bed. I guess he’s the one who called us all. I thought he was going to explain everything for us but he kept insisting that we wait for the specialist doctor who will come by later. So we waited. My father is wearing an oxygen mask now. According to my stepmother he has stage 4 liver cancer. The doctor doesn’t recommend he goes for any operations now, it’s to complicated and risky. And it is also too late for chemotherapy which would have cause much pain and suffering to the already frail old man. Basically there was nothing else much left to do but to make him feel as comfortable as can be in his final days here. It could be days or next week, month, who knows.

This time around he does actually recognizes me. He kept asking for someone to fix an air conditioner in the room. If you don’t already know, the Klang (Or Tengku Ampuan Rahimah) hospital is one of the most crowded hospital and wards in the country. People from Shah Alam, Klang and even Banting flock to the hospital for treatment and the wards are always fully occupied. There is no first class ward in the hospital with air conditioning, not even individual rooms with beds. Just a big long dormitory of beds for all kind of patients. And here he was asking for an air conditioner. I know he is not really feeling well or knows what’s he’s talking about. At the same time I felt sorry that he could not be in a better hospital. But that is the only place he can afford to go right now.

Lina and I waited for a while for the specialist. Then an hour and then finally after an hour an a half, I asked the intern again to at least give us more specifics about my father’s condition. He’s still making excuses on why he’s not authorized to give us any reports. By 7:00 P.M. I couldn’t bear seeing my father in that state or wait for the specialist anymore so I said my goodbyes and Lina and I left the hospital. The specialist apparently will only be making her rounds from 8:00 P.M. onwards. One single specialist doctor for the entire 3 wards. This government has clearly failed the people.

Should I have stayed longer? I probably should but it is just too painful to watch. Anyway my little sister Izni is coming all the way from Pasir Mas to visit tomorrow. Hopefully she will get more clue on my father’s condition. Her husband unfortunately is too visit with work to come visit. So was Lina’s husband. It is too bad that he can’t depend on his son-in-laws more at this critical stage of his life.

9 December 2017



A few weeks ago I received a distress message from my stepmother telling me my father is about to be admitted to the Putrajaya hospital. She said he was not feeling well the past few days and they went to the Putrajaya clinic for a checkup. A few hours later the doctor referred him to the Putrajaya hospital since his condition was getting serious. To cut the story short, they had to wait for hours to be admitted to a ward because there’s simply not enough space available. It wasn’t until early in the evening when they finally got a bed. My stepmother then related the sad story on how they couldn’t afford to pay for the 700 ringgit deposit and had to beg for the admission guy to accept my father’s blood donation book as a guarantee which is usually not good enough for a semi-private hospital like Putrajaya. Anyway they admitted my father anyway and by the time I get to see him, he was conscious but looked very weak on his bed.

Earlier though, my step-mother asked me to ferry her to their apartment in Puchong so she can pack a few things and clothes for her and my father. It is the first time I got to see their small apartment. I don’t see any beds, only a bunch of mattresses in the living room and mostly empty room. Oh by the way it’s on the fourth floor of a flat with no elevators.

Why didn’t they ask for help from their other child, my stepsister? Well apparently she can’t leave work until late in the evening (even for emergencies?). And there’s nobody to look after their small child (what’s the use of her husband anyway). And although she and her husband live just next door in Putrajaya, somehow they can’t immediately come to visit or help. I started to sense this little family has some serious relationship issues.

Fast forward this week, my father is now in the Klang hospital, waiting for a decision from the liver expert. From what I’m told, his liver has swollen so much that it partially blocked blood flow to his heart, causing some considerable pain at the same time. There’s a procedure that they can perform but it might endanger his life - that is all according to my stepmother, I don’t get the chance to speak to a doctor. She’s asking my our opinion, my siblings and I whether to go ahead with the operation so I said go on then. There’s no point delaying and exacerbating the problem doing nothing. I rolled my eyes when she said they’ll try some “alternative medicines” instead should we disagree with the operation. You might as well sign his death warrant.

Fortunately since my sister and brother works in the government, my father could use their medical benefits so at least all his hospital costs are taken care of for now. How are they going to live day by day with no actual income, I don’t know. There’s only so much financial help I could give since I myself barely make it every month on my own.

When I visited him last Saturday at the Klang hospital he was barely conscious and his yellow stomach bloated to almost twice the normal size. I’m not sure whether he recognized it was me who visited although I suspect he could have thought of me as my younger brother Faiz. Faiz who is working far away in Sabah who could offer nothing but thought and prayers. Sure, that’ll help. Another relative from Penang happens to come visit while we were there. My father couldn’t recognize him either. Earlier before, I got a few texts from my father’s number asking to bring along some KFC fried chickens and mash potatoes because he felt like having some I don’t know whether my father really asked for those or it was just another of my step-mother’s ruse but I bought some snack plate anyway. Still no signs of my little stepsister at the hospital. From what I heard she did visit once with her family but they soon got into an argument and left. It’s not clear what happened but my stepmother probably gave her some snide remarks about her visit or lack of help. Either way she sulked and didn’t come back or contact her again after that. Very mature that young lady. And my stepmother was not being very helpful either with her behaviour. I guess old habits die hard.

There’s a few important lessons I can learn from this whole episode. The importance of preparing yourselves for retirement and rainy days. Not to get duped again and again in your business dealings and ventures. Not to trust people so much even how good or how long you have known them. The importance of having a steady job and income, and not easily swayed by your friends into jumping into the entrepreneur world. But most of all, the importance of choosing the right life partner. If my stepmother didn’t persuade my father’s last good employer to fire him, they wouldn’t have got into this mess right now. It’s true what they say - hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially for emotionally unstable and manipulative woman like my stepmother. If I had my way I don’t want to have anything to do with her right now. But then, my father is still married to her and she’s the only person looking after him right now. Can’t even count on their precious prodigal daughter.

As you can see there’s more anger and disappointment in this post than sympathy. I can only say history has not been kind to my father. He made all the wrong choices and did’t learn enough lessons from his failures. Sure you can have a few unlucky moments in your life but for most successful people, you make your own luck.

You know what my mother has to say about all this? It’s all payback for what he did to this family. Somehow I’m inclined to agree.