28 April 2001

This door is closed.

It's official. Although deep down inside I still harbor a minute trace of hope but basically this door is closed to a girl named Roslinda. The door to my heart. Not because of Sharifah. It's all because of herself. She's a bad girl and she said so herself.Loving another man other than me is one thing, but choosing Hafiman as the other guy is totally unacceptable. It is unforgivable. Looks like my future wife is going to be anybody apart from her. If it's going to be Sharifah, I'll devote myself entirely to her. There's no more love from this guy to Roslinda is it? Yes, I'm sad again. Furthermore, Sharifah was too tired to talk to me earlier. I'm sorry Rose but we're not destined to be together. Forgive me for breaking my promise of loving you forever. Well, this forever and ever thing. It should be mutual.

25 April 2001

Yesterday we had a little crew meeting at Lake Perdana. Everybody was excited and happy and we had loads of fun. I got there rather late because it was pouring earlier. First a few managers gave some announcement and then there was these games we play. It was quite fun. I took this opportunity to get closer to Sharifah. Even got myself in the same group as her. We won the first game and lost the other two. That doesn't matter really cause everybody thoroughly enjoyed themselves. The picnic resulted in me missing the Asar prayers and I'm not proud of it. I was like a few seconds late only.

We to take out the garbage together again tonight. Somehow I didn't feel the romance in the air this time. Everybody went home afterwards except Sudin and I who stayed to clean the corridor. Plus a couple of other guys who were hired by the store to do the cleaning job properly. We finished around 3:30 am. I managed to talk to Rose on the phone, expressing my sadness and disappointment. Guess she took it pretty well. Even cracked a few jokes for me. That did made me really mad of course. I surely didn't put much hope on her now. Same goes to Sharifah. Poor me. Let's just be friends shall we?

Man I'm broke again. Got less than RM4 in my pocket. Oh yeah, I kidnapped a few Snoopy toys last night.

What did I do to deserve all this loneliness?

23 April 2001

Sweet - sweet girl. Yesterday morning, the necklace Rose bought for me accidentally broke. Or was it not an accident but more of a sign? A sign perhaps I should just forget about her and go on with my life? I am tired of feeling sad and mad every morning now. If only it was not Nor Hafiman she's involved with. Then I wouldn't be so sad or angry. Furthermore, I just grow tired of waiting in vain and uncertainty. One thing for sure, I've made up my mind not to call her, well at least not everyday from the store like I used to. I love my job now and it's just not worth risking it for her. Don't destroy your life for a something called a women. She said so herself. Well, you asked for it. Lina just bought herself a brand new handphone. I'm happy for her. Hope her love life is better than mine. Look forward to her wedding day. It doesn't matter with whom she's going to marry. As long as she's happy that's good enough for me. And if anybody dares to treat her wrong, I'll beat up that guy for her.

Last night when I was about to take out the garbage, guess who offered to accompany me? That's right old chap. Sharifah Haslinda did. I even got her phone number afterwards. Strangely enough, I don't feel the slightest sense of guilt this time. She's young and carefree and there's not a slightest hint that she belongs to anyone. Perhaps she belongs to a small porion of those girls who haven't found their mate in college, even after the second year. Truth is I don't even know if she's seeing anyone. Nah it can't be. What the heck. I'll just ask her directly next time. Rose, you better do something quick cause I'm walking away now.

This loneliness is truly unbearable.

19 April 2001

I'm in a terrible fix. It took me like a second to lose my sight and somehow I left my helmet inside the store. Since my manager already left for sometime, I didn't bother to call her. Then I tried calling a few of my co-workers using the public phone near the store but most of them are either totally broken or just full of shit. The best I could get was 2 seconds on the line before the line cut off.

Right there and then I realized the importance of having a lot of money to survive in this concrete jungle. If only I had some more credit left on my phone then I wouldn't be in this shit. If I had a little more credit left, I wouldn't have to go through all the trouble of borrowing a helmet from that guy at 7-Eleven, riding all the way back to Serdang and then come back to KL to return the helmet. On the bright side, I did made a couple of new friends today. Perhaps there is a good side for all of this. Lesson learned. Next time I will try to save some money you know, for emergencies.

Last night I spent the a couple of hours cleaning the fryer with Mr Samsudin. It was a lot of hard work but I'm totally cool with it. After all I don't sleep much nowadays. Mr Samsudin on the other hand was ready to fall asleep on the counter around 4:00 am. No wonder nobody volunteered to do this job earlier. Let's hope this would be something to remember by. I am anxiously waiting for the phone bill to come.

16 April 2001

Nor Hafiman. That's what his name is. The only thing that had gone wrog was that Rose got to know him first. That was during our matriculation period. He was her first love or so she said. I had never thought anyone would take Hafiman seriously. But I thought wrong. Now he's the wall separating us. Also the reason why Rose cried and cried last time. Hafiman is that type of guy who rarely prays and from our brief encounter, I can't say a single good thing about him. Yeah maybe he's a bit funny sometimes but apart from that he's one big loser. So basically I lost out Rose to a big loser. Who's the bigger loser now? Although he dumped her once I dont get why Rose still have a heart for him after what he's done. That's what made me really angry towards Rose sometimes. What she sees in him is beyond me.

Currently Hafiman is doing some teaching course in Kedah. Thank God he's so far away. Else I wouldn't have a chance. He talked to her mom on the phone and even proposed her to be his wife. Euww. Slowly but surely I'm losing confidence on Rose by the minute. Heard he gained a few kilos today. Good for you. Now if only I can be as thin as a stick. Boy, how he'll be surprised to see me now. Funny how he should be my motivation. I want to study hard, get a great job and show them who's boss. For now, I'll work my ass out at this store. With that cutey Sharifah Haslinda. We went to throw the garbage out together last night. Isn't that romantic? From my keen observation I can see that she's still single and available. Sorry she didn't get to meet her friend from Sabah last night because she had to work overtime (with me!). I never thought I'd find someone closer to home. But who knows right? She's younger than me and she had a nice short hair and she prays too.

15 April 2001

It's working time again. This time it's a whole different scene. This time I've turned myself into a workaholic. There shall be no more skipping works or slacking on the job like I used to. No fever or rain would stop me from going to work. There's a lot of new faces at the store. Some I disliked instantly and some were pretty cute. The managers were still the some. I've got to work very hard this time around. It is too dreadful to live poor and penniless. I don't work to experience that ever again.

Another reason I love going to work nowadays is that I get to use the store phone to call Rose every now and then. It was blissful. Of course I've got the manager's permission first. The thing is, they had no idea I was calling someone in JB. I wonder how would they react when they get the phone bill next month. I could get myself fired and have a few managers in trouble. Let's enjoy this while it lasts. Come to think of it, is it worth it to risk all of that for something quite uncertain? I just can't talk about Rose. It would make me feel so sad in an instant.

By the way, there's this new crew in store, a fellow Kelantanese but she probably had no idea that I came from there too. She's adorable that's for sure. But I just can't bring myself to ruin her. Perhaps I can make her fall for me but in the end I would just break her heart cause you know mine belongs to someone else. And you know pretty well who that someone is. Anyway she might already has a boyfriend or something.

Rose, you did hurt me real bad. Even she acknowledged that. But I forgive you nevertheless. It's all part of God's plan for me. Maybe there's some good in store for me from all of this. Perhaps there's actually someone out there that was created for me. Until then, I will be waiting in vain for dear Rosey. You know I've done so much for her. Just a few days ago Rose asked me to do her computer assignment. You guess it right, I did it for her ever so willingly. Yes Rose, use me. Your orders are my bidding.

And my Walkman has just gone broke. Something happened along the way to work yesterday. So stupid of me. I didn't even get to use it at work yesterday. There was so many customer I barely had time to catch me breath. Now I can't listen to cassette tapes and the radio tuner is not stereo anymore. That would also mean I'll have to get myself a new one which probably would cost a fortune. Just when I'm trying to save money.

1 April 2001

It was that letter that I received from Mom that made me realize how stupid and guilty I was all this time. It was partly written on the phone bills that clearly shows the cost of all my calls to Rose not so long ago. And that was enough to make me realize what an idiot I was. Blaming Rose is out of the question. I only have myself to blame. After this, no more unnecessary spending and phone calls. I want to save up for the future. It is not a pleasant experience like the one I'm having right now. Completely broke that I had to beg for money from Mom. And for that story in Larkin, I'll leave it for later. Just thinking about that made me all sad.