29 March 2002

So I've been thinking, why not use my brain to earn more money? It suddenly struck me that I could find other jobs to get money. And after searching the classified, I only found 2 items that meet my criteria. Strangely I felt this guilt deep in me for looking for other jobs. It struck me earlier while I was taking the garbage out at the store that my current wage of RM3.15 an hour is not worthy of my skills. I mean, anyone can work here. I should be doing a much simpler job which use more brain than brawn. That's why I'll seriously start looking for another part time job tomorrow. On the Internet. The paper was nearly useless. Something like data entry clerk would do nicely.

And by the way, my proposal was rejected. Isn't that a blow? My supervisor does admit it was a very interesting but strangely enough, Flash is considered too easy by the faculty especially Mr Big Shot Razali. We need to have a lot of programming in our project to be considered as one. Silly isn't it? I bet most of our lecturers have little or no Flash-making skills at all. Fancy saying it's too easy. People at harrypotter.com and numerous others must have cracked their brain to build such wonderful sites and I believe it is not easy to do. Now I'll have to start all over again. And I have no idea how.

26 March 2002

It's time like this that I wished I had all the money in the world. It's so hard being broke and penniless and worse, in lots of debts. My road tax is about to expire next month and my phone's network access in 4days. And times like this too that I'm grateful that I have someone to love and loves me in return. Sharifah Haslinda, you are the most wonderful thing that I have ever had.

I'm thinking of taking the discreet structure class again this holiday. A few of my friends are including Shamsul Azhar who I wish to thank a lot for always being there to shave my head. My bike decided to be funny and refused to start when I finished my shift yesterday. Thankfully it was just kidding and started afterwards.

Now I've learn my lesson and will save a lot for my future. This holiday, I'll work my ass out. Next semester I'll study hard and graduate the next year and find a decent job later and prove Mom how wrong she is.

20 March 2002

Had yet another fight with Linda. And as usual it's all my fault. Come to think of it, most of our fights was because of me. It's only been two days since we last met but I'm dying inside already. Bet she felt the same way too. Let's see if I can make it past a week.

Still not going to work. Haven't fully recovered from my fever. Perhaps I'll make that call later today. Bad news again. Mom won't be receiving her salary yet next month. Now she's running a part time business to feed the family. Still no sign of Dad pitching in to help. But I can see him working really hard to get to it. Izni's here for the moment. She's going for an interview for a scholarship with Shell. I've been keeping myself busy with this F1 game. In fact my left finger is pressing the keyboard as I'm writing this. No wonder the writing is hideous.

20 March 2002

Mom and Dad went to Penang, Lina's still there and Izni is staying with Uncle Dib in Sungai Buloh. Guess I'm going to be alone yesterday night. I did slept alone last night and since I'm such a good boy I'm just gonna stay home and do nothing out of the ordinary. Right.

Work is exhausting. There seem to be new rules introduced every time I restart work. But after that insult from Mom telling me to stop dreaming about Linda when I can't even feed myself, I got to have all the money in the world to prove her wrong. It's been raining for a while now after the recent dry spell. What bliss.

And I love you Sharifah Haslinda, always and forever.

18 March 2002

I had the weirdest dream a few nights ago. I was in the afterlife waiting to go somewhere in a nice hell. There I met Raja Ezra, my old classmate from school. And I got a pointer of 3.12 just enough to get me into heaven, LOL.

Later in real life I had a row with grandma arguing about the TV at first. Guess my mouth slipped. I didn't mean to be so harsh to her. Mom and Dad arrived late that night. Tok is in the hospital now. My good sister Lina is taking turn to look after her.

We didn't go to Penang after all. Grandma refused to go and Mom is broke anyway. So we drove straight back here. I though we planned to take turns to drive the car. I drove from Pasir Mas to Kuala Krai and Dad drove from there to Gua Musang. I can't drive very fast cause there was so much traffic and the car's too heavy with the four of us. After that stop in Gua Musang I end up driving all the way to Serdang. Dad got a stomachache or something cause he rushed to the toilet as soon as we got here. So there you go, my first long-distance drive. Although we lost a rim cover and Mom complained incessantly about my driving, we survived the journey. Thank God there were no missing tyres this time.

Yesterday in Sepang, Ralf Schumacher won the Malaysian Grand Prix. His brother could have won that if it wasn't for that accident with Montoya. Since when did I cared about Formula One?

16 March 2002

This is the drought season. Several states had taken into water rationing already. Here it isn't so. My home for example gets it water from the well which is a bit smelly but it'll do.

Grandma was getting hostile towards me. Maybe the word hostile is too strong. But that's what happens when her precious son is around me or anybody else becomes second. Next time I shall stay no longer than 2 days. And that time would be next Hari Raya. My heart just hurts a little. I know she still loves me but I'm just tired being second fiddle in this place. I didn't even get to watch the TV this morning. Of course I understand I've nothing to give her but my unconditional love. But without the money and luxuries, I'm just a useless burden.

15 March 2002

All this energy, urging me to go to work and make some money. But instead I'm stranded here doing nothing. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my love who insisted. And she'd been so nice paying for the ticket and all. Then again even if I didn't come here I'd be forced to follow Mom and Dad to Penang anyway. So I guess here is better than over there in Penang.

So it's going to be 4 years after all in the university while most of my friends just take 3½ years. I'm not stupid or anything, just lazy or preoccupied with something else (like Civilization III). After that I'm going to get engaged and a couple of month later maybe get married. Judging from my condition right now, who'd think I'll be able to support a family? I can't even support myself. Hey maybe because I'm not employed yet? Whatever it is I've got to finish my studies first. Think I really blew it this semester. Got a certain F for one subject and the others I am least likely to score. I concluded that I just don't spend enough time studying, missed a lot of classes and took my assignments for granted. So there's no better time to start all over again than this new year's day. I don't want to make any resolutions, I'll start doing them right away instead. Just do what you got to do. Happy New Year everybody. Alhamdulillah we made it through another year.

Enough of the celebration. I'm going crazy staying here tonight. Sleepless and cold and nothing to do. Thank God I brought my Walkman along and this journal to keep me sane. Now at least I can listen to Siti Nurhaliza with 'Cuti-cuti Malaysia'. I just fell in love with that song. I don't hate her, do I? I just dislike the people who worships her like Mak Cik (a friend of Linda's). Like you're getting paid for your unhealthy obsession. People like you just make her richer.

Forgot to mention Roslinda sent back all my photos a few days ago. That just hurts even more babe. If you don't like me so much just throw them away or burn them or something. Don't apologize and don't make any contact with me. And I still keep all your pictures FFS. Maybe she's getting married soon, who knows. Not that I care. Wonder who's the unlucky guy. I must warn you she's a little bit disturbed in the head.

No I didn't really mean to say those horrible things. Just a bit frustrated that's all. Rose had bee apologetic to me. So what? I don't want to wish her well, don't want to write back to her and most importantly don't want to have anything to do with her and her crazy brothers again. Her band of brothers who dislike people from Kelantan for no apparent reason. Stupid. I don't even want to think or remember her anymore.

My eyes hurt when I try to force myself to sleep. And the mosquitoes were having a feast on me. Started to think a lot of things before going to sleep. My worries, my debts, my family and my future. Lina got a letter from a lawyer demanding that she pay her TM Touch bills or see them in court. Lucky she still got her study loan money. Her bill was about RM563 and I owe TM Touch a lot more than that I'm afraid. I'm so screwed.

14 March 2002

Safe and sound in Pasir Mas. Naturally I was sad to let her go when we departed in Tanah Merah. I gave her my sweater so that she could wear it when she gets cold. I had to walk almost 2 miles from where the bus stopped since there's nobody around to pick me up at 5:39 in the morning. Unless if you want to hop in one of those cutthroat illegal cabs. Had a quick shower then sleep till afternoon.

Did a lot of errands for Grandma. Fixing up new locks and stuff till my hands aches. Obviously she's still recovering from the break in. Uncle Din is to arrive tonight. Hmm.

It's so nice to be back here. This morning when I was about to sleep, I noticed the birds singing and the chicken roosting. Something you can barely notice in Serdang because of the noise pollution. The downside is I can't go anywhere because there's nothing to ride or drive here. Unless if I'd like to take the bus which require me walking another 2 miles there. That's why I'm not planning to stay here for long. Perhaps after I had my own car. Then I would stay longer. ANd I had to! I probably need to stay in Tanah Merah too sometimes by then. Nice thoughts.

13 March 2002

As you can see I can't write properly while on this commuter. But I did arrive safe and sound at Hentian Putra where it drizzled nicely. Linda went out early than me where she enjoyed a ride up at The Mall, resulting in her being late again when she got too preoccupied with the ride. Think I'm tired of waiting of her sometimes. We didn't have to wait long for the bus to arrive. The ride back home was so-so. We stopped for supper in Kuala Lipis.

10 March 2002

Faiz came by yesterday bringing along his friends, One friend gave a lecture to me. It was a nice one but they were actually persuading me to join their tabligh band. Later they returned and Faiz stayed. So I told him about out problems, how Mom and Dad are broke and when I related to him I'm going back to Pasir Mas next week, he offered to pay for my ticket. At first I thought, how thoughtful of you my brother. But then he said on the condition that I must join his tabligh band out for 3 days. Then I thought, screw you. If you're not sincere then don't even bother. I'd rather stay here and work my ass of at my McDonald's store.

Mom went back to Penang to pick up Izni over there She was disappointed with Lina's attitude. Well Mom, it's not like you don't know already how she is. Poor Mom had to pawn her gold chain to support us next month. I felt dreadful.

After that last row, went out again. Linda and I just can't fight for long. We went sight-seeing at Sunway Pyramid and on the way back my tire mysteriously went flat. I suspect one of the security guard did it. He must be pissed that I parked illegally by the roadside. Fuck you if you really did that. Fortunately we found a pump station with a working air pump. We filled up the air in the tire, drove back to Kerinchi and had dinner there and I drove back safely here. At home I found out my front tire had really punctured. That's going to cost us.

Linda being so awfully nice again and offered to pay for our trip back home. And we even get to ride a bus instead of the train. Of course I'm planning to pay her back every cent someday. So long, I had to actually study.

7 March 2002

I got to know that Dad is currently working as a salesman selling home security system. He quit his RM4,500 a month job to be with us only to be doing that? I'm touched. In the mean time, I've been very snobbish all the time. But I'm sure that wouldn't be his permanent job. I can see he's still actively searching for other jobs that pays well and suits his qualifications. I can do my part by saving and stop eating out and cutting out of junk food. But then I can't possibly eat everything that Mom cooks. I'd rather starve. Oh well.

My finals are not going really well. Got an F in hand and I'm sure I won't be doing well in the others. And my Mom is expecting me to score! Are you trying to be funny? She's also broke at the moment. Won't be getting any salary this month because of some beuracratic bullshit. How fucked is that? Just because she just transferred here, she won't be getting paid until after 3 months. The government should really get this shit right. What's with all those K-economy bull. Fix the essentials first.

And Lina's been threatening to move back to college. I think she couldn't stand living with us too. All the time she had to sleep and study in the living room while Tok sleeps in hers. What a noble sacrifice sis. But not to worry. Tok will be leaving us tomorrow. I hope she doesn't hate me or anything. I've been least helpful or hospitable to her to say the least. Not as good as how my parent are treating her. I still remember the horrible things they told me about Tok.

Linda been acting strange lately. Maybe it's that time of the month or maybe I've done something wrong again. Perhaps me bossing her around have finally gotten to her nerves. Perhaps I shouldn't be so physical to her. Perhaps she doesn't like me anymore? Whatever it is, I trust she would voice it out to me soon. The point is I'm perplexed and confused now.

My bike had been acting up again. Now the battery seemed to be weak. Couldn't possibly chosen a better time. I have no idea how settle this month and next month's installment. Not to mention my road tax is expiring soon. Amid all these worries thank God for the piracy industry. I just found myself the entire Weezer discography on one CD. I virtually grew up listening to them and it feels so good to be listening to them again after so long. I know I should be saving but this short pant and Weezer are a necessity to me right now.

It's half past four. To sleep or not to sleep. Might miss the Subuh prayer if I do.

2 March 2002

These past few days were quite hellish. I was so broke and miserable. My wages has not come in even when it's a new month already. I had another row with Linda. Mom and Dad are quite broke too. The finals are near. Loads of assignment. My bike installment is due and I have no idea how to pay that. Tok is still here. And after that Audit final I started to experience this serious headache.

Thankfully that headache disappears as soon as I got my pay this afternoon. I don't feel so miserable anymore. I just want to sleep.