30 January 2001

Talking about Rose, she asked whether I'm really serious in this relationship or not. Of course I'm serious dear. Nevermind the monumental task I have to do to make it happen. So she said she is serious too and promises to be with me together forever. Words could not describe how I'm feeling right now. I mean someone actually agreed to be my wife! That said I must say I have to get to know her better. We both don't know each other that much. But since we're so far apart, that would be a challenge. She also told me she already told her mom. Now her entire family will probably know about us. My family doesn't have a clue about this though. However I have the notion of telling my mom soon, when she comes down here. Whatever it is she has to say, I'm more determined than ever to make this work.

At the same time I felt the urge to share this exciting and happy news with someone. So I told my best buddy Isa. He listened to everything and thought that I should be friends with her brothers. Are you kidding me? I've never even spoken to them before and now you want me to be besties with them? Fat chance. And then he told me his sad love story next. He told me how she likes this girls so much but she didn't give him any response or clue about how she feels. So she left him with this lingering hope but at the same time no definite conclusion. How cruel. From the way Isa relates the story to me, I could tell he really loves this girl. Whatever it is I wish for the best for you buddy. You're gonna need it ha ha! Isa. He's like the best friend I've ever had.

Rose loves me. Isn't that wonderful? Everything seems to fall perfectly into place. Life is wonderful.

28 January 2001

While I was at work yesterday I received a surprise call from dad telling me that his mother is on her way to KL by bus. That was unexpected. So I requested from my manager Piyah to leave early tonight but somehow she appeared to play dumb or she is really dumb. In the end, I could only get to Puduraya after work at 11:00. I searched everywhere for her but she was nowhere to be found. Only after an hour and half later I got a call from an elderly lady saying my grandma is with her. I couldn't thank her enough.

So grandma or Tok told me the story of how she went to Johore meaning to see her youngest grandchildren Meera and how my stepmother treated her so bad, saying bad things to her and not allowing Meera to speak to even speak to her. She managed to stay there for only today before she decided she'd had enough and come to KL to stay with her relatives. So I called them up and they came to pick up Tok from Puduraya and I end up staying the night at their place in Sentul. Poor Tok. If it wasn't for that kindly old lady at the bus station God knows what could happen to her. Remind me to hate that Rozana woman forever.

Grandma was absolutely delighted naturally when I agreed to stay. She could barely sleep that night. And when I was about to leave, she gave me about a hundred bucks saying it was from Dad. Somehow I'm certain that that money was for her. How selfish of her. Someday I'm going to pay that all back. Her kindness.

There goes my plan of crashing at my Dad's place in Johore this Hari Raya. That evil woman should probably hate me twice as much. No wonder all my relatives in Penang were telling how horrible that woman was. It's so true. I don't know what she did but they said they don't want to see her face ever again. Poor Tok. She only wanted to see her youngest grandchildren. What's the harm in that? She was sobbing over dinner yesterday. I promise I won't do such thing to my parent. I don't know what is wrong with Dad. Maybe that woman cooked up something evil for him. You'll never know.

27 January 2001

Today I knew for sure. There's several Malay word for love like cinta, kasih, sayang and yesterday she said sayang. Only God could make us part. This is the first time ever a women really, trully loves me. I could feel the tingle and all. I just realized how I've hurt her before in the past, unintentionally. Now there's no way I would ever hurt her again. Mom, Dad, you've got yourself a daughter in law. She's not that all at all but what she lacks in height she more than make up for it in character and personality. Again I must stress that this thing is really to wonderful for me. Now everything I do, I do it for her.

Don't know why I'm so very sleepy. Maybe it's because of the bread the I ate just now. I should not be sleeping after yesterday. This is amazing. Besides, if I sleep now there's a good chance that I will miss Subuh prayers soon. Studied a bit lately. Actually I've been studying since 8:00 pm yesterday. Don't want my Rose to marry a failure do I? Today shall be my last day at work. I'd like to concentrate on my studies. Rose said she'd like to be the first to congratulate me on my graduation day. Yes you will my dear. This I promise you. She should be sound asleep right now. Did I tell you about how she has these dreams in her sleep that always comes true? Maybe she has this special abilities or something but at the same time I wish they would stop because not all of them are very nice.

How I didn't notice her before is still a mystery to me. Maybe I was blinded by somebody else. I wish I would come earlier into her life so that she wouldn't be hurt by that other guy. That said, everything is God's will. If He dictates that we must be apart then so be it. Of course I would be devastated though. Wonder if she will actually hold my hand the next time we meet. I have a mind to go down there again. Maybe next month. Crash at my Dad's place or something. I hope my stepmom won't mind. I can't wait to see my stepsister for the first time.

Can you believe it? I finally found someone who loves me for what I am, wholeheartedly. I simply must study hard, do well and not get into any more accidents. That's what she keep reminding me about. This is not a dream man. I repeat, this is not a dream. It's as real as it can get. Wake up and smell the responsibility. So long with H. Yeah maybe she left a dent in my universe but I have truly moved on. Only God will do us apart. Not her family. Not anybody.

24 January 2001

I did go to work yesterday but with the sole intention of visiting our panel clinic. My manager was kind enough to let me go without any protest. Sure he will have one crew short but he'll manage. Besides, he just recently hired a couple of new hands at work. Else he'd be begging me to work. Me, I'll just miss a couple of hours of pay.

Back home the local authority came and demolishes every single illegal eateries down below. I was more than happy to see them destroy that crappy mamak stall my friends had been going to but at the same time felt sorry for the other marvelous stalls. That said I had the feeling that those mamak will start rebuilding their stall again in no time. I hope the authorities should come back often. Maybe I should report to them regularly.

Rose and I exchanged some lovely words from a couple of songs last night through SMS. Said she misses me. That has to be good right? Then she was worried that my family would not welcome her. Of course they will my dear. Why shouldn't they? Unlike yours, my family is the nicest, most open and understanding family in the world. Yes I'm being biased but that's the truth. Your family on the other hand. We should be worried about them.

Today also happens to be Chinese New Year. This is the year of the snake. Not that it got anything to do with me. 2,000 years of civilization and they still believe those kind of crap. I pity them. And those damn firecrackers. They've been burning them since 9:15 pm till now. I thought they were already illegal or something?

In other news, my foot is getting better right now. That new medication from the clinic works like a charm. Burnol was essentially useless. Happy CNY.

23 January 2001

Define maturity. Am I mature enough? That question seem to be revolving inside my head lately. Rose said the other night when I called from the store that I sounded different. My voice was much more mature. So she's basically implying I'm rather childish before? Did she meant it's only my voice that has changed or I myself that has become more mature? She refused to comment when I asked her that. Perhaps because I can't handle the truth. I don't know and I don't really care. Maybe I'm a little bit late growing up or growing old. Life is short. Enjoy while you're young. I don't want to act or pretend to be mature or some shit when clearly I'm not. I certainly won't change just for another person. I'm selfish & stubborn like that. Besides, you can't just 'make' yourself mature. It's a natural & gradual process.

Perhaps she just wants somebody she could depend on. Not some immature, easy going kid. But do you really have to act mature and old only then can you be dependable? Perhaps her last boyfriend Arman, yeah the same guy who broke her heart was really mature. That's why he gave her a watch and all. I hope that's not how you measure maturity cause it would really be shallow. Whatever. I'm just 20. The world is my oyster.

Despite all that I called her again last night. I'm so happy to be talking to her again, listening to her voice, hearing her laughter. Doesn't matter if it costed me a fortune. Well, it does matter a bit for a student like me. 30 bucks is a lot for phone calls. But I do want to talk to her. Texting just wouldn't do. Why does she has to be so far away?

The wound on my foot has not get any better. In fact it had swollen in size. Rose said I should see a doctor or something. Right. She's making all the decisions for me now? I'd like to take things slow and easy right now.

Will I be ready for marriage in 2 year's time? I certainly don't feel ready right now. Like I said, I'm a little bit slow in stuff like this. Serious stuff. Surely, getting married is not that hard isn't it? I have this plan of going down to Johor with me Dad next Hari Raya to see her parent. I dare not go there alone (who does?). Wonder what will he think of the idea. Will he be cool with that? It's no laughing matter this is. Obviously I need more time. Time to gather experience, knowledge and most of all, money. The thing is Rose said time is running short on her side. Said if she didn't find someone but 25 she'll leave it to her father to pick someone. I pray that this relationship would last. Am I for it? Deep inside I'm quite confident. In the end though it's God's will. We can only plan so much. Mom wisely asked me to finish my studies first, get a decent job and buy her a Kancil. Grandma talk I was kidding. Lucky she's my grandma.

Man these things sure is heavy. Just thinking about it gives me headache sometimes. I don't really want to think so much about it right now. Get good grades and the rest will fall into place me think. Working my ass at a fast food joint is a great reminder for me not to flunk my studies. I don't want to be working here forever. Okay maybe I could work at McDonald's but somewhere in management, not at the store.

Should things not work out the way I wanted it to be. Guess we'll have to go our separate ways. I don't exactly know how she really feel about me right now and I know I can't force her to. First we got to talk. Maybe I need to sound more mature. Right. Should this go awry, I'll be a wreck. Seriously. Would she? I don't know honestly. She likes to have a picture of me. Is that a good sign? I don't have any new pictures. Some old ones. Fat ones ha ha! I don't feel like going to the studio or anything. That'll burn a hole in my wallet. This thing cost money you know. Loving someone.

21 January 2001

Going to work make you realize how hard it is earning a living. Makes you more prudent in your spending. Even with your loan money because someday you'll have to work to repay it. Although in the future I might get a better job than this part time work, money is still an issue then.

Just called Rose yesterday at work. It's free because I called her from the store. Of course I got the kindly manager's consent first. Of course I can't do that all the time. It would be inappropriate. This is the only way I can talk to her without burning a hole in my pocket. I wonder if she ever appreciate this. All my hard work and effort. She probably would if she knew. Calling her every time costs a lot of money because of the distance. I think meeting her in person is far less expensive than those phone calls. But then she'll probably get bored of seeing me so much. Seeing how she still wore her ex's watch made me jealous alright. I should get her a new one. Don't want her to have anything to do with that guy again. Especially after what he did to her. She's kind like that. Didn't show the slightest hatred to the guy who broke her heart. I admire her for that. You're like the kindest girl I've ever known. Just add for another reason why I must marry her. She weighs only 47 kilos. I hope she'll keep that weight for the next 20 years or so. I hope she'll stay the same forever. I'll try my best not to be so fat. She's nothing like a super model and her face is far from spotless but you know what they say, it's the heart that counts. Talking like a real love-struck guy I am. How I long to see her. Not now though. It's Chinese New Year. A lot of people is going home. Plus I didn't make the necessary preparation. Tickets, accommodation and all.

Faiz is here, doing his assignment on my computer. He's still young. Still searching for an identity. Girls don't take him seriously. At least not yet. I totally understand. I was once in his shoes. I'm sure he'll make it alright. I have a paper to sit at 2:00 pm. Yet I'm almost completely lost. Don't expect me to do well this semester Rose. It's rather late to start. My bad completely. At least she's doing okay in her studies. Perhaps because it's just a diploma. That said, I'm sure she'll do just as well in her degrees. I like how her face looks squarish in those photos. Marriage. That word hasn't occurred to me before. Not until recently. How it's going to be. There seems to be an awful lot of things to do. But she can't wait. Age and time matters so much to her. Don't you worry. You have 6 brothers remember? And you have me. Where we shall live will depends.

This runny nose is a real nuisance. I tried to do without paracetamols but I took 6 already by now. Rose, she fell ill sometimes. She has this eating disorder. Even got her self admitted a few times. She's got it ever since she was little. Yes everybody loves to be slim but do take care of your health okay? Who's gonna take care of the kids if you're sick? Would they get my height or hers? Her family is kinda average from what I've seen so far. She must have taken that into consideration before picking me. Funny how she said she love me before and then started to have second thoughts about it. You don't do those kind of things. It's either you love me or not, that's it. I for certain don't easily mutter those special words. It has to be for real. Of not I won't say it at all.

I am a little accident prone. With the bike that is. I haven't had any accidents with cars though. At least not yet. I've never driven automatic cars before. She has. Her dad rent out taxi permits for a living. They have 2 houses. I don't know how well off they are nor do I care so much. She for once doesn't either. She's quite content with what she's got. Another quality. Man, Faiz when will you ever finish? I badly need to use the damn PC. Should I go to sleep? It's half past 3 already. Hmmm.

19 January 2001

It's been 19 days past the new year. Some people claims that the real millennium starts now. To be honest, I don't know and I don't care. 19 days and a lot has happened. Something that I consider as an important milestone in my life. The future of my generation begins here. Well, if everything goes well that is. If God has it written down that way. Guess we'll wait and see. Anyway I'm missing her already. My future wife. Of course as I said, this long distance relationship has it's fair share of drawbacks. One slightly long-ish phone call will cost your 20 bucks and after 5 times, you just spent a hundred bucks. That is something I don't have the luxury of. I'm not born filthy rich you know. Else I wouldn't be here.

Saying those words out loud was not that difficult. It's the commitment that's hard. I never spell out something so meaningful and special just for kicks you know. Well, to be honest I can't take this one for granted. To tell you the truth I was thinking of enjoying the fun phase of this relationship thingy. Ah, Ito you just spoiled my mood. Laters.

15 January 2001

Let's start with the exam. I finally went to see her, my lecturer, Puan Azrina. She wouldn't accept my excuse. Obviously. Who would accept such lame excuse. It clearly showed that I didn't make any effort to avoid such circumstances from happening. Well, I guess I had to rely on the second and final exam then. A few days ago my mental health was absolutely unstable. I can't concentrate on anything especially my studies. And then Rose told me she was unable to come here anytime soon. She just got herself a computer and she had to teach her nephews on weekends or something. Moreover her class begins this week. I was very let down by this recent developments. Just as I have made some fabulous plans for her visit. Just as I made my mind to love her.

So I decided that this uncertainties have to stop. I went to the train station, bought a return ticket to Johor Bharu and cancel most of my appointment and plans for the weekend. I just had to see her and clear everything else once and for all with her. So there I went and arrived there safe and sound. The ride there was super-cold as usual. So cold that I had to go outside between the coaches a few times to warm myself up. In JB, I took a bus to Bukit Saujana. There I had a quick show at the mosque and went to meet her at the Larkin Terminal. She already had plans for me actually. First we went to Pontian, to Aida's place. You know that poor guy that fell head over heels for me? Yeah, that one. She looked much better now. I had somebody already wanted her hand in marriage. Well, all the best for you. We had lunch there at her house. Not too far away from the sea. In fact we walked to the seaside afterwards. The three of us, Rose, Aida and her best friend Meow. Meow, that's the name people affectionately called her anyway. I have no idea what her real name is. We took some pictures by the beach. Somebody mentioned that I looked less skinny now. Obviously. I have this crash diet plan to get fat again. It worked.

Later we took another bus back to JB. I paid for the fare this time. Meow volunteered to pay for the fare the first time so I had to insist that I pay. That said, Rose still pays for the majority of this trip. I felt really awkward everytime. She said she didn't mind at all. Of course she would say that. That's so like her. Then we went to visit Holiday Plaza, a must-visit place everytime I come down here. I wanted so much to hold her hand while walking around the place. I didn't even look at all those exciting new CD titles at the shops. Too bad Meow was still with us so I had to keep my composure. We walked around a bit more and then sat down for a drink and chat. We talked about everything. I asked mostly about her life and how she's doing. After that we took a bus to the city, this time to City Square. That's where everything happened.

I was dying to hold her hand from the moment we exited the bus all the way to the entrance and up the first floor and then the second floor. I was to chicken to. Finally I asked her on the 3rd floor. I whispered softly in her ear and said "can I?". First she didn't understand but when I reached out my hand and took hers, she was quite surprised. Very-very surprised actually. We walked to the railings looking down the mall. I asked her how she felt. As I said just now, she was really surprised. So I told her to remember what she said a few months ago via SMS. She said she remembered and she also remembered reading what I wrote about H. It happens to be that that single letter changed how she felt about me. Clearly we had to talk more about this. So we went to pray first next door at Komtar amd meet up again at this KFC downstairs. There we had this very long heart to heart conversation.

I think I screwed up big time. My words were all jumbled up and I was literally stuttering. I must say I'm terrible with this slow talk thing. That said, she also told me everything about her past too. How her first boyfriend did her wrong. He was from the same college as her and they were even engaged. Then he goes out and fools around with other girls. Still Rose stood up for him for a while. And then after they finally broke up she was still friends with him and gave him support and encouragement with his studies when he was about to be kicked out of college. Then about her boyfriend after that. He was incidentally my course-mate during our matriculation in Kolej Islam Johor. Of course I was surprised that she took Hafiman so seriously. To me Hafiman is nothing but one big jerk. Too bad she didn't know that sooner. She had no idea what he's really like. I know. I live in the same building with him for a year. And what's up with Husnizar? She told me he also had feelings for her. Later that guy met some other girls and become totally rude to her. Now I know how she was heartbroken. Twice. So when I told her that I loved her on the 3rd floor she was afraid that history might repeat itself. She's afraid that I might change or she herself might change sometime in the future. She told me how special and different I am from all the boys she knew before and she doesn't want me to break my heart or something. She's had enough experience with bad boys and she wanted the next guy in her life to be her lawfully wedded husband.

What's more somebody made inquiries to her dad about her and her dad really liked the guy. Rose obviously doesn't approve of this and she even threatened to run away from home if they insist. All her life her dad has been keeping a close eye on her only daughter. No boys had ever come to her house to see her and whenever some guy called her house to talk to Rose, her dad would change the telephone number. Yes, he went to that extreme. So when I came to see her at the fun fair last year, I kinda broke her family tradition. I was the first guy to meet her parent not to mention her brothers. Being the only daughter and also the youngest sibling in the family made her rather special in the eyes of her family. The funny thing is she also said the first guy to come and see her family is likely to be her husband too. I don't know whether to be flattered or freaked out. After that meeting at the fun fair, she was bombarded with questions from her family. Some approves of me but the rest didn't. Me coming into her life had apparently made a huge impact on their family. From what I heard, her dad made 2 of her brothers marry the women chosen by him. Fortunately for her only daughter he leaves it for her to decide.

I do have a lot more to tell you but for now let's cut the story short. She in the end she told me let's wait for 2 years. If nothing bad happens, nothing that would change hers or my mind when we should be together. In two years time, I had to send a representative to ask her hand in marriage. That thought about marriage sends shivers down my spine. This isn't really what I had in mind when I came down there. It's definitely too early for me to be thinking about that. Obviously I am not ready. I can't really take care of myself right now let alone another person. But Rose, she's already thinking about the future. She's already thinking about her future kids and how they will turn out to be. She said I'm kind of smart and tall so our kids will be something like that too. Well, I hate to tell you this dear but I can act rather dumb sometimes. And for the height, who knows they might inherit yours :) These thoughts had never crossed my mind before so I am kind of scared. Scared to meet her family. How would her brothers react to me? One of them don't even like people from Kelantan. Can't trust people from that state he said. What's up with that? Although my dad hails from Penang, I'm still proud to call myself a Kelantanese cause that's where I spent most of my life at.

For me, I'm almost sure that I won't change much in the next 2 years or so. She on the other hand couldn't promise that. She was afraid she might let me down. Well, if that's how you feel then I can't help you. It's all up to you. Of course if she did change her mind, I would be devastated (again). I always wanted to find this tall, beautiful girl as my wife. After meeting her, that doesn't really matter now. Looks can be deceiving. Beauty is skin deep. It's what inside that matters. She's a strong girl for her age. How she handles all those challenges in life. I thought she would be ecstatic when I told her how I feel. Obviously I was wrong. Now it's me whose nuts over her. Why I didn't tell her that is still a mystery. Well, being blinded by H's beauty is one explanation. Talking about H, she told me she feels disgusted when I go about whining and being miserable for something like that.

Now I must change. I'll have to forget about H and go on with my life. Even-though she might change but until then, she would keep me motivated with life. Besides, she wouldn't want to marry a failure right? Nevertheless, I did get to hold her hand that day. Even only for a while. That's the first time for me. They were really soft and gentle. Anyway I did apologize to her if I had offended her or something by my action. She said she didn't mind. Yes she's good with words like that. Before we part she showed me her photo album. Man, that Aiman guy was not good-looking at all. Honestly. I know a bangla petrol pump attendant whose more handsome. The same goes to Hafiman and Husnizar. Too bad she's so far away. Talking on the phone all the time will hurt my wallet bad. Plus I don't know whether going down there seeing her often would make her happy or makes her bored of seeing me instead. Apparently I'm very much in love with her. I think she's The One. I would build my courage to see her family. Even if it means mustering every ounce of my manly strength to do that. As far as I can remember, she's the first person that I have ever uttered those 3 magic words. Yes I did told her that on the 3rd floor of City Square. Now I must close my eyes on other girls (what's up!). And study real hard and send somebody to propose her in 2 years time. I hope her brother would change her mind by then. If not, who cares. I'm not marrying her brother or anything.

Last night I met with a minor accident at the BP gas station near home. The floor was rather slippery after rain and I fell with my bike and cut my toe. It's is till bleeding and hurts like hell as I am writing this. Rose was mortified when she heard about that. I shouldn't have told her stuff like that. It will only make her worry. Ah well.

10 January 2001

Something terrible happened last week. I missed an exam. Actually I didn't came for any of SIM3202 class so as a result I got the exam time wrong. It was supposed to be 10:00 am when I showed up 12 hours later. I don't have anybody else but myself to blame. I do hope the lecturer takes the time to read the apology card that I sent her. Perhaps she'll give me a second chance and let me retake the exam. Or she could say serves you right dummy. I scheduled to meet her in person later today. God help me.

Tomorrow shall be another paper. There seemed to be not enough time for me in a day. I wish I could have a couple of hours more. There's just so much to do. I didn't even get enough sleep nowadays. This is especially so when I had to drag my ass to the morning class. Well, who asked me to sleep so late at night? Remind me to avoid early classes next semester. My afternoons are now occupied with the computer lab, surfing the Internet, reading the news, downloading mp3s and software. I can never had enough of this Internet thing. It would be my wet dream if I had Internet connection right here in my room. That said, going to the lab everyday, at least I'm fully utilizing that place. It'll be such a waste if I didn't.

The girls next door held an open house yesterday. How nice of them. They must be rich. My crews, I don't expect them to be so generous. Collecting money for dinner is hard enough let alone for other occasions. By the way, my roomie Jai is madly in love with one of the girls next door. I mean just look at them.Talking on the phone like forever. Although it makes me jealous sometimes, I wish nothing but the best to the both of them. Too bad my girl(friend) is so far away. Rose is contemplating of coming here. If you do come Rose, I happen to store you a little bit of surprise tee he he. Something that would make your trip worth the while. Stay tuned.

2 January 2001

1:02 AM

Salina is asleep. Tired of talking to me I guess. Gosh I'm so thirsty. Unfortunately the only place that's open 24/7 that is reasonably near is the mamak stall down below. Hell, I won't go to that filthy place even if it's the only source of food in the world. The other guys seemed to enjoy it however. Rumors has it it's gonna be a public holiday tomorrow. I don't know who to believe but I'm planning to sleep all day anyway. This Radio Muzik DJ sucks. You suck big time. What a loser. Never met anyone as slow as you.

I'm sleepy right now. Bib asked me to wake her up at 6:00 in the morning. Chances are if nobody wakes me up, I'll probably wake up in the afternoon. I can't wait to go online in the lab again. Unlike others I find this holiday rather boring instead.

4:11 AM

As much as I want to sleep, I can't. I could go to sleep and her parent will probably woke her up anyway. I just like to do it myself personally. Make her feel special. What's that all about? It's an strategy. How could I've been so blind? It's all crystal clear right now. H of course. She's rich and I'm not. I'm not that poor but on the other hand I'm not very loaded either. It's all my fault, spilling everything out so early. She'd probably freak out. I'm probably not her type anyway. Just look at her. I've never driven an automatic car before. Sure we had one or two things in common but the rest. We're like a universe apart. I don't have things that really matters to her I guess.

So what has Rose been up to? She's been really quiet all this while. Too quiet. OMG. Silly me. She's so far away. This long distance relationship looking less likely to work. Yes I know she's going to finish her diploma in 7 months but she didn't mention anything about joining me here. Perhaps she's planning a surprise for me. She did mention a few places though but nowhere near here. Wait. Who am I again to make demands to her? Me the boy with the missing tooth. Sure I'm a nice guy. Several girls I know told me that. Even if she does come here, how it's going to turn out to be? Most girls needs commitment. Can I guarantee her that? Perhaps it's better this way. The again I must say it's killing me inside. Look at those loving couple around me. Bleh.

Somebody said don't look for a wife here at college cause you might find the perfect match later on. Sure that may happen but that could take forever and I'm not famous for my patience. If Rose does come here I'd be a really happen man. I wonder how the girls next door will react. They'd be surprised for sure. It's too early to tell though.

This computer is old. A likely candidate for museums. But as always, it's all about the money. Money can buy you everything. Love, friends, stuff. I just don't have much right now. Sometimes I just love listening people talk on the radio. I mean people who call up radio stations to chat and dedicate songs. Girls in particular. I just love hearing their voices. Happy, sad or just plain normal. I have come to the conclusion that I love girls. That means I'm not gay. Yay? I love girls except for a select few. Bibah is one of them. Bib, you're torturing me here. My tummy is full and I should be sleeping. To tell you the truth I haven't see you enough to pass judgement. But keep it up though cause it's working. Did I just hear somebody walk in?

1 January 2001

Happy New Year!

Strange I don't feel like celebrating. This Hari Raya I went home with Faiz who is studying in UiTM. We took the additional bus home. This bus moves very slowly especially when climbing hills. Although it's just a plain school bus, the fare is even more expensive than the regular ones. Furthermore, all of the girls on board with me are not pretty at all. Nevertheless this is my only means of getting home this festive season so either this or the highway. So this bus took us straight to Kota Bharu. Pengkalan Chepa to be exact which is still quite a way off from our hometown. Uncle Dib and his family were already here when we finally got home and Uncle Din and co will only arrive 3 days after Raya.

I did nothing much at home except for shopping for my Raya clothes. The traffic downtown was horrible. It's like half the population of Malaysia flocked to Pasir Mas today. Lucky for me this only happen several times a year. Unlucky for me though that is also the time I ever come home. So Hari Raya came and go. I felt rather special that day. All day long. It was meant to be special, this time of year. It's like Christmas but more awesome. I looked forward so much for this Hari Raya that I didn't sleep at all much of the night. So now I'm feeling a little bit tired. But then it doesn't matter cause today is a very special day. (Where am I going here?).

We went to the mosque bright and early like always because we'd like to take the best parking spot there. I survived the whole morning without falling asleep. It drizzled as we made our way to the cemetery that day. Still we had to go. It's our compulsory annual Raya ritual. First to the mosque then to the cemetery followed by having our grand Raya breakfast at Aunt Yatie's place. After that everybody gather in Kampung Dangar for the obligatory photography session.

As I was about to cook satay today, my Dad come to pick us up. He's taking us to Penang there and then. I called Tok previously and she said that my Dad will come home to Penang on Raya's eve but he never showed up. So my Dad thought he'd surprise her mother by bringing us all there today. How thoughtful of him. Dad came today with his brand new car. Probably given by his new, stable company. Add that with a new mobile phone too. My Dad has arrived. And what's this talk about buying us a new house? I wonder if he's really well of now or it's just one of his 'future planning' thing. I came to understand that he could now withdraw his EPF savings to buy a house. Whatever it is I'm planning to wait and see. I do hope he will stick with this job for once. But then no matter how well off he's doing or not, he's still my Dad.

I saw a lot of new faces in Penang today. People that I have never seen before. Tok was obviously mighty glad to see us all again and similarly down when she heard we're leaving so soon. I spent most of my time there eating and sleeping with just a little bit of sight-seeing. Later we went home by bus. This time it's a bit special because of school bus, we rode a factory bus. Dad couldn't take us home because he had to leave for work earlier.

So here I am in Desa Serdang already listening to my fave rock songs and exchanging text with Salina. Yesterday we finally had the chance to board a proper express bus. I even get to fall asleep from time to time. In the morning I missed Subuh and felt awful afterwards.

11:28 PM
This Hari Raya I felt less sad then last year. Probably because the effect of the H incident had worn out a little by time. I wonder how she's doing right now, as usual. Last time I saw her with a brand new Honda. I never knew making parking lots could make you a fortune. I guess you can after all. Perhaps her folks owns half the parking lot in KL or something. I can't call her now cause she won't like it plus she wouldn't pick up anyway. Move along already man. This Hari Raya I also gained weight. From 57 to 63 kilos. That's a whooping 6 kilos mind you. This Hari Raya also I didn't got to any friend's home. I also didn't do any tarawih and yes I'm not proud of it.

Apart from that I did get a lot of money for Raya. Over 200 bucks to be exact. I have no idea who gave me so much money. Alhamdulillah anyway. This Hari Raya I returned home to find my youngest sister almost grown up now. How beautiful she turned out to be. I hope she'll find somebody good and live happily ever after. The same goes to Miza my cousin. The only thing is Lina's getting rather heavy on the sides. Faiz meanwhile turned into a decent young boy. Regularly wearing his white skullcap over his head. Still I can't actually guess what he's up to next. My Mom on the other hand is not so good. Her previously new husband didn't made contact with her for quite some time now. What kind of husband would do such a thing? Maybe the kind that already has a family previously and now he's back in their arms. I suppose he finally realized his rash decisions now eh? The least he could do is give my Mom some financial support. She really needed it. Poor Mom. She even covered his photos in the bedroom with pieces of cloth. Hate to tell you I told you so Mom. You should have consulted with your family first. Family as in all of us including your children. Grandma. She's alright I guess.

Today TimeCel formerly known as ADAM started to charge 10 cents for ever SMS sent. First I thought they were kidding because my credit balance didn't change after sending a few text messages. But then when I make a call anywhere, it started to decrease like crazy. This is scandalous. Being the network provider with the worse coverage in the country, free SMS was their only attraction. I get few or no coverage every time I got out of town. I predict a major exodus of customers from ADAM. That said, their SMS charges is still the lowest in the country. Wonder why I am still texting with Salina. She already has a boyfriend and he's someone I even know quite will. She's confessing that they're having a rough patch right now. That's how I find myself calling her a few times already today when I know I'm better off calling Rose instead. Why do you have to be so far away girl? Don't you know that all those phone calls will cost your dearly? What's gonna happen with us? What's the matter with me? I'm so going to start fasting again tomorrow.

None of my roommates is back yet except for Fendi. Who brought home his girlfriend the other night. I don't even want to think what they're doing in there. Rose said she's thinking of coming down here sometime this month. How thoughtful of her. I'll ask the girls next door if she could stay there for a night. I hope they won't mind.