Define maturity. Am I mature enough? That question seem to be revolving inside my head lately. Rose said the other night when I called from the store that I sounded different. My voice was much more mature. So she's basically implying I'm rather childish before? Did she meant it's only my voice that has changed or I myself that has become more mature? She refused to comment when I asked her that. Perhaps because I can't handle the truth. I don't know and I don't really care. Maybe I'm a little bit late growing up or growing old. Life is short. Enjoy while you're young. I don't want to act or pretend to be mature or some shit when clearly I'm not. I certainly won't change just for another person. I'm selfish & stubborn like that. Besides, you can't just 'make' yourself mature. It's a natural & gradual process.
Perhaps she just wants somebody she could depend on. Not some immature, easy going kid. But do you really have to act mature and old only then can you be dependable? Perhaps her last boyfriend Arman, yeah the same guy who broke her heart was really mature. That's why he gave her a watch and all. I hope that's not how you measure maturity cause it would really be shallow. Whatever. I'm just 20. The world is my oyster.
Despite all that I called her again last night. I'm so happy to be talking to her again, listening to her voice, hearing her laughter. Doesn't matter if it costed me a fortune. Well, it does matter a bit for a student like me. 30 bucks is a lot for phone calls. But I do want to talk to her. Texting just wouldn't do. Why does she has to be so far away?
The wound on my foot has not get any better. In fact it had swollen in size. Rose said I should see a doctor or something. Right. She's making all the decisions for me now? I'd like to take things slow and easy right now.
Will I be ready for marriage in 2 year's time? I certainly don't feel ready right now. Like I said, I'm a little bit slow in stuff like this. Serious stuff. Surely, getting married is not that hard isn't it? I have this plan of going down to Johor with me Dad next Hari Raya to see her parent. I dare not go there alone (who does?). Wonder what will he think of the idea. Will he be cool with that? It's no laughing matter this is. Obviously I need more time. Time to gather experience, knowledge and most of all, money. The thing is Rose said time is running short on her side. Said if she didn't find someone but 25 she'll leave it to her father to pick someone. I pray that this relationship would last. Am I for it? Deep inside I'm quite confident. In the end though it's God's will. We can only plan so much. Mom wisely asked me to finish my studies first, get a decent job and buy her a Kancil. Grandma talk I was kidding. Lucky she's my grandma.
Man these things sure is heavy. Just thinking about it gives me headache sometimes. I don't really want to think so much about it right now. Get good grades and the rest will fall into place me think. Working my ass at a fast food joint is a great reminder for me not to flunk my studies. I don't want to be working here forever. Okay maybe I could work at McDonald's but somewhere in management, not at the store.
Should things not work out the way I wanted it to be. Guess we'll have to go our separate ways. I don't exactly know how she really feel about me right now and I know I can't force her to. First we got to talk. Maybe I need to sound more mature. Right. Should this go awry, I'll be a wreck. Seriously. Would she? I don't know honestly. She likes to have a picture of me. Is that a good sign? I don't have any new pictures. Some old ones. Fat ones ha ha! I don't feel like going to the studio or anything. That'll burn a hole in my wallet. This thing cost money you know. Loving someone.
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