28 December 2001

The weather was not on my side. As I was dreaming of being back by Linda's side, it rained so heavily that it flooded the rail tracks in Gua Musang. At last after over an hour of contemplating whether to reverse or to proceed, the train decided with the former. I was anguished. The up side of this disaster is that I don't have to sit next to the stinking guy from Tok Uban. Uncle Din picked me up later and I was back in Pasir Mas again waiting in despair. But that was it.It would take a very extreme situation to make me board another train again. The journey would have been very long and it'll be freezing cold in the morning.

Somehow I got the brainwave to change the bus ticket with Lina. She was supposed to leave the day after and instead I boarded her bus. Although worried that the road might still be blocked by the flood, I finally got here early in the evening. I must admit that I'm mighty glad to set foot here again and to join my eagerly waiting loved one. Then I was rather sad too thinking of what Grandma said to me last night. She spoke of how she was lonely of being all by herself. Deep inside I know she loved me like she loved the rest of my siblings. Like I said before, she just gets grumpy and resentful at times. Most of the time she's awfully nice. Who knows that could be our last goodbye (God forbid).

17 December 2001


It's Hari Raya again. Yesterday we went out together. Drove in the pouring rain all the way to Pantai Sri Tujuh where we enjoyed the scenery by the beach. Mom waited patiently for Dad yesterday. He finally arrives early in the morning. Turn out his car had broken down somewhere in Dungun. He had to come here with a friend.

We prayed at the mosque in town. Although the others decided to go to the nearer mosque, I still insist on going to the town's mosque. I've been going there for as long as I can remember and it would feel odd to go anywhere else. And for once in a long-long time I went to the mosque with Dad. One part of the mosque os flooded because of the continuous rain. It's been raining non-stop for 3 days now.

The bitch never stopped calling even during this joyous occasion. I've grown tiring of talking back. Wonder when will she quit. Perhaps she finds this fun and amusing. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my relatives. Let us pray that God will put some sense into her. Her daughter was so nice. She even wrote us a card wishing we could meet someday. If only her mother wasn't that crazy.

This Hari Raya I didn't go to a single tarawih prayers. I had a pretty decent puasa since Lina did cook dinner sometimes. We had 3 new addition to the photography session. Uncle Din's kid, Aunt Yatie's daughter and finally me own Dad. Faiz was forced to take over the satay cooking responsibilities from me. I received far less money than last year but I sure am a lot happier than last year thanks to one Sharifah Haslinda.

14 December 2001

So we're back in Pasir Mas. The ride home was another midsummer's night dream. Back home we received numerous calls from my Dad's other wife who has nothing but profanities to throw at us. We were really disturbed. Everytime the phone rings we would wonder restlessly whether that bitch who called. Funny she would be frightened to hear my voice. She would just swear our those dirty words and immediately put down the phone. She's probably afraid that I might call back. What a coward. She really need a good scolding from me. Alas she's one wicked cowardly bitch. I look forward to meeting her some day. Grandma and Mom was clearly exasperated about those calls. Dad did nothing much. If only he would take some action. I hate to admit that my Dad is nearly useless. You're a disappointment Dad. These entire incident is a disgrace to the family.

Apart from that, the family is almost reunited again. Poor Dad got her money stolen from his account. That bitch used his ATM card to take out some RM2,000 from his savings. That's where she got the money to buy the mobile phone to harass us. Again I must express my disappointment at Dad. If only she would show some backbone and fix this shit. Lina's fears is turning out to be right after all. I as the main backer of the reunion felt really terrible.

Somehow this Hari Raya doesn't seem to go along very well. I came home to find the water extra smelly. If Grandma didn't find the dead cat in our well much sooner, we would be eating and bathing from it's remains. What a horrid thought. It would take some time for me to regain my appetite.

21 December 2001

I can't wait to leave this house. Staying here much longer is just going to make me sad by the minute.

Went to pick up Dad's car in Dungun yesterday. I never thought that Dungun was so far away. Grandma insist of going along with me for some reason. I assume she's worried that I might not return back safely. Running out of bus, we took a taxi there. Met this guy who also got some business to do with his car. Coincidentally we were going to the same place. Grandma couldn't have thanked that guy enough. He lend me his hand phone to call the workshop, paid for our lunch and drove over than halfway home. The kindness of strangers. Back home, Grandma kept telling everybody how we would not survive the journey home had I driven all the way. She would rather sleep by the roadside than have me drive in the rain and all night. Thanks for the confidence Grandma. I'm kinda hurt with her statement. Yes I know you practically raised me but my Mom and Dad are still my parent no matter what. Your mean words about them are just too much to bear. I just couldn't listen to them anymore. Next year I would be coming home for Raya for 4 days max. Before that don't even expect me to come home, ever. Well, not except whenever Linda does return home. I'm tired of hearing all those. Lina and auntie Zura are not helping at all. In fact they've paired up to diss my parent some more. I just can't wait for tomorrow.

It's obvious now. Grandma. We got her respect if we got the money. Just look at her treatment towards Uncle Din's family. Compare it with mine. I'll prove it to you Grandma. I also can be as successful as them. Perhaps even better. Then you'll look differently to me. I'll do it all by myself. I wouldn't go begging for a job to Uncle Din. It's going to be on my own. Grandma is not that mean actually. It's just that sometimes she got carried away with her emotions. I think she should stop being scared of her own daughter. It's partly your fault that Mom is not so close to you.

11 December 2001

The loan money is finally in. I had to queue for hours to withdraw them. After that, I spent most of them paying my debts. Learnt my lessons well this time. Never again register for a phone line, don't get into accidents and most important of all, save some money for the future. My finance management is a real mess. Also my eating habit. Dad's other wife is really causing a nuisance at this moment. She caused enough trouble before and now she's really determined to get back at us for stealing her husband. I don't understand what she really wants. It's not like my Dad left her for my Mom. He is still married with her what. And after all that she did, my Dad has been more than patient to her. Mom still looked strong at least for now.

Once again I missed an examination. The paper was supposed to be at 2:00 PM and I woke up 24 minutes later. If only I didn't have this sleeping disorder. Of course I didn't have the guts to tell it to Linda or anyone else. It's really embarassing.

24 November 2001

This very minute exactly 21 years ago I was born into this world.

Finally it arrives, the most awaited day of the year. Linda was the first to wish me. Then Lina and Izni gave me some birthday cards. Today I realize that I've been horrible to Linda. In the evening she invited me to her place. All her friends were home of course. I had a taste of her cooking (it was okay). Afterwards she surprised me with a slice of that delicious blueberry cheese cake. Her friends even sang Happy Birthday to me. I was overwhelmed with kindness and lost for words. How I could I be mean to her ever again after all that.

18 November 2001

This is the good life.

I'm still recovering from the shock of these few days. It just gets better and I'm so grateful to the Al-Mighty. It all started when Dad arrived that morning with Mom. He was asking my expert advice on something about his work with his brand new Asus Pentium III notebook when suddenly he gave me his Cassiopeia. I could hardly sleep that morning thinking of all the wonderful things I could do with this handheld pc. Then Mom finally gave me the finance to upgrade my old desktop pc. So without further ado, I spent almost 500 ringgit on an Asus motherboard, Celeron 800 cpu and an ATX casing. Afterwards we went furniture shopping in PJ. Dad spent of a thousand ringgit on a fridge, a few tables and cabinets plus some mattresses.

Now it proves that being on the governing side of the family does has it rewards. I've been supporting them from the beginning and now I can taste what I sow. Still even the hardest opposition have enjoyed this development. Or perhaps, my parent has started to fulfil their responsibility again.

10 November 2001

So we went to the annual dinner. Although the sky was pitch dark and there was even lightning, I managed to pick her up and went to the hotel (for the dinner of course). We felt awkward dressing so smartly but riding a bike there. But then that's all we could afford right now. It'll be some time before I get a bit richer and afford a car. We did get ourselves a table and the other guys seemed to look surprised and happy to see us.

It was quite a happening and classy party. Partly because of the venue and also because of the crowd. In accordance to the "Hollywood and dance" theme, several people dressed rather daringly. But as sexy as they are, I'm still proud of my Linda. People even say we're quite a handsome couple. I got a lousy certificate, a tie pin and a mug for my one year service. Linda got nothing though. We were also not so lucky with the lucky draw.

People were dancing and enjoying themselves thoroughly that night. I having already ate for breaking my fast earlier was already stuffed when we got there. Linda and I didn't actually enjoyed ourselves much in this hedonistic event. To be honest I was expecting something special but was rather disappointed in the end. Besides, Linda was still a bit shy to eat together with the crews, I was too tired to make a fuss about that.

In other news, I did donate blood again yesterday. Linda has to wait for another 3 years or so to be qualified to donate blood. She's just not heavy enough. I hope she'll never qualify cause if she does, she won't be looking good (LOL). I love her just the way she is (right now). I hope she'll stay that way forever.

I've started to create the column 'People Profile' describing a few people that matters in my life right now. See below.

People Profile 1

Mr Abu Bakar

He's actually my Store Manager at the place where I work. Being the highest ranking person at the store, people know better than to obey him. He's altogether quite a kind person although I didn't like him much at first. I suppose that's normal because nobody likes the Store Manager sometimes. He's just got his first baby a few months ago, to my surprise too. By his appearance I thought he was married a long time ago with a couple of kids in tow. I guess looks can be deceiving. Mr Burn (as he is fondly known as) made a significant change to the store. Some of it I think was quite a nuisance but others was rather thoughtful of him. I especially love the new washing machine that he bought and the new CD-player. He's quite alright.


I've just read the poem that she sent me. It was so beautiful. Made me love her even more.

8 November 2001

The semester re-opens again. As expected I failed that elective subject. However does that? Take an elective subject and fail? They're supposed to help your marks idiot. The class starts from the very first day. A few confusion but it all went well in the end. Funny I didn't see H anywhere. She can't already graduated or worse dropped out already can she? Anyway that doesn't matter mch to me anymore. So here I am living with my elder sister who seemed to have a friend or two coming here to sleep over from time to time. Might as well put a Motel sign outside.

Living here in this terrace, I can turn up the music up 24/7 as before. At least not in the wee hours of the morning. Mr Indian neighbor next door can sleep peacefully with all that noise. He told me directly earlier this week. Naturally I was pretty pissed off myself but then again I have to respect thy neighbors. Who knows I might need his favor some day. Food is plentiful. Lina made breakfast and dinner most of the time. I wish my cupboard and table and that bed is here. Then I can't start living comfortably and concentrate on my studies.

This semester I'm taking Spanish as an elective subject. Aye caramba! Wish me luck. Later tonight we shall be attending our first ever McDonald's annual dinner. I do hope she would wear something blue the same as me. Adios amigo!

2 November 2001

I'll never take any bus ride ever again. At least not without Linda sitting beside me. It's dreadful. Sitting restlessly next to a stranger for hours on end and you can't sleep. I sat next to another UPM girl judging by the text printed on her t-shirt. Strangely enough I didn't say a word to her all the way to KL. Guess I'm so too loyal to Linda. Even talking to some other girl would make me feel guilty. Thank God Dad came by to pick me up in the morning along with Mom. We had this delicious together in Kampung Baru. Despite being all alone in this house I did clean up much of the place. I mopped my room, unpack my things a little and scrubbed the bathroom tile. Even bought myself a few important household items such as a cooking pan etcetera. Later on I went out and had some sandwiches with Linda.

Back to work again. Linda got her results yesterday and it was better than I am. Now I don't have to worry about bringing home food for my housemates again since I don't live with them anymore. I'm glad the guys was cool about me leaving. Tonight shall be the first time I sleep in this new house. Not that I'm scared or anything. Wish Linda was here though. Yeah right.

29 October 2001

So it's settled. I didn't sleep all night that morning so that I didn't miss the appointment. The boy at the car rental agency was so sleepy that he failed to find the keys to the appropriate car. In the end I got an old Kancil instead of the usual new one. The ride to Sungai Buloh was absolutely dreadful. I was so sleepy the car's transmission was crappy and it rained so fucking heavily. Harsh as it was I made it in one piece. After 2 hours of sleep we went downtown. Mom got something to settle at the ministry. On the way, I heard she was shouting at this man on the phone. I have no idea who he was but Mom was really upset and angry. Later we wet along with the plan and loaded all my belonging to our new home. The house was quite spacious with a lovely view of the playground upfront. I quickly grabbed the master bedroom which faced the road. The other room would probably leave me choked. Mom didn't see, to have any problem with that.

Dad came by later and we stopped for a brief dinner at Kampung Baru before we head home. The next day I slept most of the morning and my Mom and Dad only later in the evening as husband and wife again. That night we had a small dinner and invite over half a dozen close relatives and acquaintances. After that they were off to Penang. Linda in the mean time asked me to fetch some clothes in Tanah Merah for the McDonald's dinner. I did that and thank God I brought Grandma along. Her parent was so friendly to us. So friendly that I was quite speechless. That's where Grandma played her role nicely. What would I do without her. These past few days have been historical to me and my family and to some extent, Linda's. Although at first everybody else but me seemed to oppose the plan, it all happened very well in the end. At least for now. Grandma and Lina still are worried that Dad would someday change into his old ways. I don't want to fret much about it now. Just wait and see. One thing for sure despite all her disapproval, grandma was grinning from ear to ear when Mom gave her a wad of cash. It's crystal clear now. It's all about the money. I'm not saying that Grandma or Lina is greedy or anything. But things seems to be better when money is involved. I understand that very well. I mean children Grandma had been living in hardship all this time raising her children with barely enough money and support. It's time they pay back all her sacrifice and everything. It's about time she enjoy a little reward before it's too late. It's time for her to stop worrying. I do wish and pray that Dad's changed for the better. Let us pray.

25 October 2001

I failed spectacularly. That was what my last semester's result was. 2.1 CGPA, 1.5 CPA. Somehow I'd figure that. No one else knows that yet. She would be the one to know. Still, she better know now. Not before her results are out. Don't want to lower her morale too early. Let the disappointment be known afterwards. Plus she's worrying about her practical application. Several of her friends were rejected already. I do wish I could do something for her.

Yesterday, several of the crews including me was loaned out to work at Jalan Silang. I got the same offer last year but I chickened out at the last minute. This time it's different since I was not alone. The working environment was truly pleasant. The crew's room is spacious, the kitchen is huge and everything seemed to be larger here including the store. Sure I'd love to transfer there anytime. After Devi moved here office elsewhere of course. It rained most of the time and my heart almost broke thinking of WFC left alone in the rain. Hope she doesn't give me starting up problem anymore. Not during this penniless time.

I am a little bit tired of working. Everyone else in this house is doing pretty much nothing but sleep and eat while I was out there working my ass off, bringing them food once in a while. Now I just can't wait to get out of here. Here are some of the reasons:

1. The hygiene of this house is totally deplorable. If it wan't for me who constantly clean that toilet it would stink of shit. And the others just know how to use it and make a mess in there and never bothers to clean it up with the exception of Isa and Jai. Isa does clean it up like once or twice a month while Jai once in a semester. The others are just totally useless.

2. The same goes to our kitchen. No need to elaborate more.

3. I can write more bad things about my housemates and this place. Dirty as they are, they've also helped me a lot before. In my days of hardship. Even if I move out next month. I still be coming here a lot that's for sure. I've learnt much about life here. About standing on your own. About friendship and helping each other out.

And Lina thought my birthday was yesterday. Silly girl.

17 October 2001

Another day off from work. Now that they hired more crew, everybody at the store gets more day offs and leave requested are duly accepted. Whatever, it's fine with me. I'm broke again as usual. Wonder why I seemed to be broke so often. Looks like I can't spend anything more than cigarettes, drinks and stuff for the bike. Another 3 days before my darling returns here. Missed her so much it almost make me sick. In this hard times I need her more than ever.

My computer is down again. Something wrong with the mainboard I think. I must have screwed up the jumpers setting or something.

I can't wait to get married to Linda. Then we could do anything we like without feeling guilty. But first I got to have some money. Until then, let's have some fun shall we dear? Did I tell you I missed her so? So much that I kept playing her voice tag in my phone over and over again just to hear her voice. Not to mention smelling that lovely perfume that she gave me, Faraway from Avon. That little purse concentrate reminds me so much of her.

I'm sick. Sick of love.

13 October 2001

Woke up yesterday morning with a wet pants. Since I didn't really pee in my sleep, it must be the other type of liquid that came out of my dick. The thing is I don't remember dreaming about doing it with anybody. What a waste. I carried Mom's bag all the way to the bus station. It was very-very heavy. How would she manage without me. Felt rather sad when I left her. Well at least she almost got what she wanted. Chances are she and Dad will remarry in the near future. Lina, Mom and I would be living together in a rented terraced in Sri Serdang. She would be teaching at a primary school nearby. Dad would come over every other week. At least that's what we planned and hoped for. Mom is simply the best. How would we do without her.

Rose sent an email to me. She explained why she refused to see me before. Said something about how she hurt me so and wanted me to forget all about her. Although not easy, you'll get your wishes. I will forget you, I won't call, I won't write, I will do nothing that got to do with you. Should have done that a long time ago. Just don't have the heart to. But now that you asked for it. It would be better off for my relationship with Linda anyway. Talking about Linda, how I wish she would return here this very moment. I can't bear to be so far away from her anymore. Don't you ever leave me again Linda. Please don't put my heart on hold...

12 October 2001


I'm back baby! Once again I wanna thank God the Al-mighty for everything. I am writing on the first page of the second edition of my diary. The first edition is still in the good hands of my sweetheart, Linda back home in Kelantan. I missed her so badly. Just got back from my trip to Penang. Dad actually showed up that morning and he surprised is all by driving a Proton Perdana. I didn't have the heart to ask him who's car was it but I learnt later on it was his. That is impressive. Picked up Mom at Bukit Mertajam where she was organizing one of her courses. We're on a mission actually. A mission for Mom to see how fit Tok is to live with us. And she looked fine, or at least better than before to me. Perhaps thanks to that acupunture treatment she received some time ago. She was mighty glad to see us. Especially to see Mom and the news that she and Dad were getting together again.

Suddenly I started to think whether it would be a good idea to bring Tok to live with us. I mean she's quite old and her health is not exactly excellent. Besides, Aunt Ani her current caretaker said she's not going anywhere. Yes I know Mom's intention was sincere, to bring Tok closer to her grandchildren. But I do fear of the heavy responsibility that comes with it. Apart from that the ride was enjoyable. I slept much of the time throughout the journey in that fancy Perdana. I even get to learn how to drive an automatic car that day. It was a piece of cake.

Just now we drove around Taman Sri Serdang looking for rooms to rent. Looks like we'll be living in a flat on the top floor. But that's only temporary until my little sister Izni joins us next year. I don't mind as long as I got the master bedroom with windows. You know how I dislike confined spaces for long. I did mention my intention to upgrade my computer. Obviously this is not the time to be asking stuff like that. He spent a lot for already for the car and also the trip to Penang. Guess I had to put my dream PC on hold for a while longer. I'm more desperately looking for a sling bag and a cure for my illness. So here I am in Sungai Buloh. Mom is peacefully asleep over there. Probably too tired after the journey.

Dad all the way from Kota Tinggi to Serdang to Bukit Mertajam and Georgetown and back to Sungai Buloh. He's spending the night at his in law's place. I'm not that tired. I just miss Linda so much every minute. What's worse she's not coming back until later next week.

Man I do need a new bag. The exam results are probably out, all of them. Wonder how bad my results are. Seriously I need to see a doctor.

9 October 2001

Emm, ai sayang. Apa khabar? Rindu kat kita tak? Linda kat ruang tamu ni tepi beranda.. best angin kat sini kuat macam duk tepi sawah jer. Sambil-sambil tu Linda dengar lagu kuch kuch hota hei... tenang jer kat sini. Kalau awak ada kan best, betul tak? Kat rumah ni tinggal Linda ngan kakak jer. Dia dah tidur pun. Tadi Linda menari ngan dia. Linda ingat ke abah Linda dah gi kerja pas tu dia kuar dari bilik. Malu Linda. Abah Linda sengih jer. Emm merah muka ni. Tadi Linda bangun kul 7. Goreng bihun kat adik Linda, kemas rumah, basuh baju, baca diari dia. Pastu buat kerja sikit, baca diari lagi. Pastu masak nasi, abah Linda nak gi kerja. Hari ni Linda gi beli ikan kat bawah (motor), kutip kangking kat kebun Abah Linda, Linda goreng ikan, goreng kangkong, itu jer. Rumah Linda ni selalu tak de lauk.. kekadang goreng telur jer. Tapi Linda suka. Abah Linda ada bela ituk kat kebun dia kat Taman Bunga. Rumah Linda dulu, selalu makan telur itik, Linda paling suka telur masin. Lina suka telur kuning dia. Lagi satu Linda tak mandi lagi hari ni. Jangan marah ek. Linda nak gi mandi la ni. Babai.

Semekom. Linda baru balik dari kedai ni. Tadi Linda gi shopping barang dapur jap. Linda gi Pantai Timur (Tanah Merah la). Linda beli bawang, kobis, telur, garam dll. Linda beli diari tadi, ok tak? Nanti dah abis pages ni Linda leh sambung kat diari baru Linda ok tak? Nanti kalau dia nak baca ok la. Diari yang lepas Linda rasa Linda tak leh nak kasi bukannya apa, bukannya Linda nak berahsia dengan dia... Nanti Linda cerita satu-satu. Sebabnya orang tak paha Linda tulis dalam diari tu. Boleh ok. Nanti kalau dia nak baca diari Linda sambungan yang ni la tapi tunggu birthday Linda boleh tak? Orang rindu kat dia. Orang nak makan nasi lemak kat kampung baru. Orang nak makan kuey teow kerang kat Pantai Dalam. Orang ni gi jugak Hulu Langat. Linda terinign nak gi Tasik Jaya, Tasik Perdana, pas tu Linda nak gi tasik UPM lagi. Best tau, tenang jer.

8 October 2001

Aii cayang

Dok buat apa ek? Dah makan? Dah mandi? Emm... hari ni Linda bangun awa. Kucing ni kejut Linda bangun. Dia jilat kaki Linda. Ok gok. Pas tu Linda mandi, kemas rumah, basuh kain, sidai kain. Lastly Linda goreng nasi, adik Linda nak gi sekolah. Pas tu Linda tipon dia. Adik Linda suruh simpan yang nombor 3 + 4 (Happy Meal tu) kita orang nak letak dalam aquarium ok tak?

Emm, bila kita nak jumpa nie. Nanti kita gi taasik nak? Linda teringin nak gi sana. Tak kisah la tasik Jaya ker, Perdana ker, tak pun UPM ok gak. Orang rindu kat dia ni, cayang dia. Tanak datang sini ke? Linda kat rumah ni, tak gi mana-mana, dok rumah, kemas rumah, main ngan kakak. Dia sekarang pandai buat lawak bangang tapi best gak jadi cam budak-budak lak.

Awat kat sana jaga diri tau. Jangan bawak motor laju-laju. Orang risau tau. Makan tu jangan lupa lak. Jangan lupa doa untuk kita ek. Lagi satu ingat Linda sokmo ok.

Linda nak sambung baca diari ni, sekarang ni Linda sorang jer kat rumah. Abah Linda balik kul 5. Adik Linda semua gi sekolah. Ok lah Linda stop dulu ek. Mmuuuaah, sayang dia.

Orang jeles ni, kena berhenti dulu emmm.
Sabar jer la den..

Linda sedih ni... orang sedih ni. Sekarang ni Linda rasa macam Linda ni... tak elok Linda fikir cam ni tapi cam tu la yang Linda rasa. Apa-apa pun Linda mintak maaf. Linda rasa macam malas nak jumpa dia. Linda rasa macam malas nak baca dah. Orang sedih tau ikh ikh ikh.

Sekarang ni Radio Muzik ada lagu Permaisuri. Dulu lagu ni memang best, memang Linda kena dengar. Linda suka sangat lagu ni. Linda boleh menari-nari dengar lagu ni. Sekarang lagu ni lama dah Linda tak dengar. Tiba-tiba ada lak kat Radio Muzik. Linda rasa sedih sangat. Linda nangis.

7 October 2001


Emm... rindu la kat dier.. Buat apa ek skang? Malam tadi Linda tak leh nak tidur... ingat kat dia. Makin lama makin sayang makin rindu. Tak tau la leh tahan ker tak nie. Dia ingat kat kiter tak skang. Linda baru baca 16-1-2000. Jeles tue ada la gak tapi control jer la. Lagi pun tue citer lama kan. Linda nak tanya Aida ngan Tini tu saper.. Naper ngan Aida ek? Emm, lagi satu Linda suker ayat nie 'Sleep tight dear.. don't forget to brush your teeth and floss and wash your feet and say your prayers too.'

Tadi Linda sampai cni kul 4:15 am, pastu ayah Linda ambik, emm sembang-sembang jap pastu Linda tidur. Linda tertinggal subuh hari nie. Teruk kan? Linda bangun tengok Melodi pas tue kemas rumah + masak skit, abah nak gi kerja kul 3 pm. Emm.. skang Linda rasa rumah Linda makin lama cam makin best. Ma ngan abah, Linda rasa dah ok. Alhamdulillah. Linda nak solat jap pas tu nak sambung baca diari nie. Sronok, leh nak ubat rindu nie ... malam tadi Linda tengok gambar dia dalam album Linda tue .. ok la ... babai sayang... mmuaah.

5 October 2001

This is not right. I usually write whenever I feel like writing or when I'm feeling extra happy. Not to finish these pages quickly. I accidentally spelled out my intention of giving this diary to her. True enough she was extremely excited. Just seeing her in that state is enough to convince me. Well you should be prepared girl. I think when you've reached these page, you'd probably know me better than anyone else in the universe. Just hope your feelings won't change or hurt that's all.

Went to do my laundry in the afternoon at Jayut's place. Suddenly my friend Ipin invited me to have a splash at the Gabai waterfall, somewhere in Kuala Langat. I agreed instantly. I drove his car all the way there. It was one long and tiring drive. Especially under the burning sun. And when we finally arrive, Ipin and Mr Big managed to stop for some weed or something at the back of the car. I felt sorry for them. Lucky for me I didn't happen to live under the same roof with them or else I'd be another statistic.Who knows what I would do during my depressed days. Before we get to bath in the waterfall, first we had to climb some 300 something steps. That was really exhausting for me and Yap, even more so for those two junkies.

At last we finally got to the top of the waterfall. As soon as I get to dip in the icy cold water, all my tiredness seemed to flow away with the refreshing water. It was truly delightful. I simply must bring Linda or my family here some day. And the place was peacefully empty save for a few other visitors. Not like those waterfalls in Kelantan where I used to frequent which is usually crowded. Maybe because it's the middle of the week. On the way back we had a taste of the local delicacy. What's more I'm proud to report that I didn't miss the Zohor prayer.

Went to Mid Valley later with my future wife. She looked rather tired tonight. Perhaps after a day of fasting. Anyway, I'm counting the days to her departure. I'm going to miss her terribly. 3 weeks seems like forever. How I wish she doesn't have to go but that would be so selfish of me. Think of her mom and sisters. They'd probably miss her even more.

Received a reply from that school girl in Simpang Renggam. I was surprised that she took me rather seriously. As for me, I was silly enough not to jot down her address properly somewhere. Now I had to send an email for her postal address. Lucky for me she wrote down her email address. Of course I consider her no more than a friend/pen-pal. It's been ages since I last wrote letters to anybody.

Finally got to use the computer. I think it has something to do with the power management scheme. This is probably my final entry in this diary. I am to lend you away to my love tonight. I do wish she would lend me her diary in return. I do like to know her better. But if she doesn't want to, it's okay by me. Whatever makes her happy.

3 October 2001

A tiring day at work. I kept quiet most of the time. Partly because I don't want Nora to exact revenge on me. She wouldn't dare anyway lest she incur my wrath. We went shopping together before work. First she picked her new MyKad in Seri Serdang. The she treat me with lunch at Jalan Masjid India. It was pouring this afternoon. It rains a lot these days. She was looking for some fabric for Hari Raya. I was badly in need of a new sling bag. She found hers but I decided to forget about the bag and lent what little I have left for Linda instead. That's the least I could do. She'd been so kind to me all this while. I've never experienced so much kindness before from anybody else except from my family. Now it looks like she's ready to sacrifice anything for me. I'm so touched. So in return I would do the same for her. Sometimes she even talk about marriage. Sure I will marry her. After I graduate (inshallah) and find myself a decent job. Marriage is not that simple. Marriage is awesome but so is the responsibility. I would be taking care of somebody's daughter here. For the time being, we'll just have more fun together shall we?

It's quite cold here in this room. The fan is spinning top speed and it's drizzling outside. I do love being in the cold. The least I could do to satisfy my life-long dream of living in Europe. Linda would probably laugh when she reads this. My arm is getting better. Soon I'll be able to lift weights again. I'm planning to lend her this precious diary for her to read at home. Even if she doesn't give me hers. I loved her and she's no stranger to me anymore. First though I need to fill these pages quickly. Time is running out.

Isa is back. He boasted about being the 5th person to reach the mountain peak in the expedition. I on behalf of the 4B youth association is so damn proud of you. This song is lovely - memori berkasih by Spin and Siti Nordiana. Best 104 do play some very good songs this time of the day. I'm so eager to get a new diary. Think I'll stop writing now and give this to Linda and let her finish it instead. She'd be thrilled to hear that. The times she asked to give it to her. Zetty Nadia texted me yesterday. She was so nice to me and to Mom, not to mention Lina. If only she was a little fairer and prettier. I'd fallen for her long time ago. Nevertheless she looked quite happy now. Even got herself a boyfriend (finally). Anyway she's going back to JB tomorrow. I've always enjoyed talking to her every time, cracking jokes, teasing her.

I'm writing this using a Pilot Ecomate 0.7 ball pen. The nicest pen I used so far. Thank you.

P.S: Deja Moss is pathetic.

2 October 2010

I'm growing fatter everyday. Called Grandma from the store. I tried to find out how she felt about Mom moving over from Pasir Mas to here. She sounded so broken-hearted. Naturally I tried to comfort her with the reasons why Mom have to do so be she was so hurt that it doesn't matter what I said. Wish I could cheer her up you know, talk her into agreeing. But I can't do that through the phone. Later perhaps.

We have this ritual at the store where once in a while we would shower someone at the store. 4 crews became victims so far in the past 2 weeks. Usually whenever somebody resigns or took a long leave or get promoted they shall receive the special shower and thrown with eggs for good measure. Last week it was Ida, Sukree and Malina's turn. Last night it was Nora. She didn't have any plans to resign or anything but I did her the honor regardless because she was so cocky. She was quite furious of course and babbled something about revenge. Malina bought us dinner of nasi lemak at Kampung Baru. They say it's really good there. I must concur.

My computer is broken again. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with it. It could be the hard disk, motherboard or display adapter. My other option is to upgrade it to a better one which would cost somewhere between 400 and 500 ringgit. I couldn't ask from Mom or Dad at the moment. Mom had to renew her road tax and insurance soon while I doubt Dad could donate to me so much money again. We are going to proceed with our plan to visit Penang next week. Dad gave us the confirmation a few days ago. Even if he somehow couldn't make it, I will go along with Mom regardless.

Lina is having this thing against me and Mom. All our effort to appease and talk reason with her have failed so far. She would just go ballistic in the end. I wish somebody would knock some sense into her and make her realize how mean she's been to Mom. You better apologize soon sis or you know very well where you'll be going in the hereafter. And what's with this rumour that Mom is having a row with aunt Yati? This is not good. Poor Mom. She must be exasperated living another day there. It's almost certain that she would move here. It's a matter of time now. She even began to pack her things now I hear.

I can't wait to get a new diary. Which is only possible after I am finished writing in this one till the last page which also mean I have to write more. So here I am writing more. Went to the cinema for the second time with Sharifah Haslinda last weekend. We've been going to KLCC a lot these days. It's quite peaceful and calming there. I'll be calling her Linda from now on here. That's what her closest friends call her anyway. Actually she's got quite a few names. People used to call her Sherry and Sherai at school and Ifa at the store. At home, Kak Ngah since she's the middle sibling. She's going back home in 3 days time so that's why I must spend as much time with her so that I wouldn't be so miserable when she's gone. Man, I got 13 pages more of this diary to write. If I write 3 entries per day, this diary will finish in 4 days. Which is what I plan to do.

Abang Isa is currently climbing gunung Tahan with his buddies in Pahang. Hope he enjoys himself and come back safely. It's holiday again. Over half of this household had returned home. One third will be coming back earlier for their project. Several haven't gone back to their home town yet. I plan to spend my holidays working at the store of course. Earn some cash. Last Sunday I took Linda for a tour around UPM. She seemed to enjoy that pretty much. Actually my hand still hurts as I'm writing this. Fuck, this computer hangs again. I can't enjoy my huge collection of mp3s now. Screw you biatch. Wait till I get my hands on those lovely Asus motherboard and speedy 700 MHz Celeron processor!

Oh yeah it's the third page! Think I'm going to let Linda read this diary when I'm finished. She's so eager to do so. I'm tempted to give her this right away but it wouldn't be fair if she doesn't give me hers as well. She probably got her deepest darkest secret in there.

Called Rose from the store just now. As much as I missed her, I tried to get away from her life as much as possible. It's all over between us and I got myself someone much-much better. She told me how she rejected 5 guys who asked her hand in marriage. Either she's just bragging or it's the truth. Don't know, don't care. Now that she finished her studies, no wonder so many people are asking to marry her. Who knows Hafiman could be one of them (ha ha). Man I used to hate that guy very much. Now I just feel sorry for him. Good luck with you and Rose (you're gonna need it).

I got myself a brand new table lamp from Ikea. It was black and beautiful and I'm mighty proud of it. Got it for a bargain too. RM29.90 plus 1.50 for the bulb. It gives this classy yellow ambiance to my room. Everybody should know by now that the World Trade Centre in New York is blown to pieces. Several Arab guys hijacked a couple of airplanes and steer them straight into those buildings. It was supposed to be an act of revenge after what America did to much of the Muslim world. Less than 24 hours later, Mr Bush declared that Osama ben Laden is the most probable suspect. Why would I even bother telling you this. Read the papers yourself okay? My hand still hurts.

I seriously have to sleep now. We're planning to go shopping tomorrow.

It's raining man.

I love you Linda. Wait till I say it to your ears this coming birthday.

30 September 2001

I've let her down over and over again after last time. And even after all that her love remains. Never had I found a person as patient as her. I've done so many horrible things and she forgave me every time. It doesn't matter now that she didn't meet my height requirement or look like a supermodel, the only thing that matters is that she loves me whole-heartedly. I would be the world's greatest fool to destroy all that trust and faith that she gave me. It is almost certain now that she's my future wife. Only God could make us part (as always). She'd done so much for me now. So truthful, so obedient, so generous and loving, so wonderful. She's the greatest. I never had a dream came true till the day that I found you. She loves me dearly. I love her too.

8 September 2001

2 weeks is too much to bare. I've seen her for like 4-5 times since that incident. There's always a reason behind every meeting. Returning her helmet, borrowing money from her, etcetera. Et à chaque fois j'ai fini par essayer de faire la même chose pour elle, encore et encore, même la nuit dernière. Quand elle a commencé à s'éloigner de moi, je pensais que c'était évident que une secousse j'étais.

It's the finals again. Seemed just like last semester when I last took them. This semester I have a feeling that I would flunk hopelessly. Quite useless to moan about it. I'll just have to carry on with what's left with this semester. Got another 3 papers to go. H texted me again a few days ago. After that she just went quiet. Typical her. I'm quite used to that by now. I closed my TM Touch account yesterday. RM500 is simply too much. I don't want to be spending my study loan next semester paying phone bills.

My bike is working fine. At least I don't have to worry much about that for a while. Again, Linda had done so much for me. Now I won't ever regret falling for her. There's no way that any other girl would sacrifice almost everything for me. But Linda did and that's why my love for her grew every single day. I would never let you down Linda. Trust me.

2 September 2001

J'ai fait quelque chose de terriblement mal hier. Bien qu'il regarda comme si elle jouissait au début, mais à la fin elle pleura amèrement. Ces choses que je lui ai fait cette nuit-là, qui n'était pas l'amour mais la luxure. Je ne pouvais pas me pardonner. J'ai été tellement horrible pour elle. Après tout ce qu'elle a fait pour moi, tous ses sacrifices. Encore une fois, je suis un perdant. Aucun autre mot ne pouvait me décrire mieux.

Donc, comme une punition, je me suis promis de ne pas la voir pendant au moins 2 semaines ou jusqu'à ce que mes examens sont terminés.

28 August 2001

Mom went to Sabah again. Stopped by here on her way home.

19 August 2001


Andainya dunia penuh dengan kegembiraan
Pasti ada yang suka dengan kesedihan
Andai semua impian tercapai
Pasti kesyukuran tidak dirasai
Setiap apa yang terjadi ada rahmatnya
Semoga kita tabah menghadapi dugaanNya


15 August 2001

Greatest love of all

Life goes on. Problems come and go. Perpetually broke. They seemed to be endless. One after another problem arise from my bike. Perhaps all second hand bike owners suffer this fate. Up until now, I think I have spent over 400 ringgit for WFC 2033. This month alone, 90% of my income was spent on her. Strangely enough, my love towards that bike grew and blossom with every cent spent. Linda even advised me to sell it. As if that's gonna happen, ever. I was a little upset at first but the longer I thought about it, it was not a bad idea at all. So I went to the same shop that I bought the bike this afternoon meaning to swap WFC with a Yamaha 125Z, second hand of course. To my despair, it was virtually impossible. He said I would get only half of my payment and my 3 months instalment will be gone with the wind. So guess I'll be stuck with my RR for a while.

Linda was awfully nice to me all this while. Even lend me her money twice when I relate to her my troubles. This despite the fact that she barely earn enough for herself. For these past few weeks, we've been going out together quite a lot, Mines Shopping Fair, Bukit Jalil stadium, Mid Valley, Pertama complex, Chow Kit and so on. She hardly hesitate every time I asked her out. And she didn't mind whether we're going by train, cab or my bike. Not to mention the times she bought me breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm shameless, I know. No girl had been so generous and kind towards me before. I was completely overwhelmed. I truly love her with all my heart (and not just because she bought me lunch). I shall love her and take care of her no matter what. For as long as she loves me. Let us pray. Amen.

31 July 2001

She loves me

Yes, abput 12 hours ago, Sharifah Haslinda said so.

23 July 2001

A midsummer night's dream.

I didn't even bothered to see the lecturer about that exam. The night before we went home she told me that her sister's boyfriend will be sending her to the bus station. Naturally I was rather mad. But then she told me also how she'd known him for a while now and even regarded him as a brother. Nevertheless, tired as I am I was sleepless all morning partially due to the thought.

So I met that guy. He was a nice-looking old chap. I'd forgive them instantly. So we went home together. nothing really exciting happened. We just talked now and then. Fell asleep side by side. That's all. Did pretty much nothing at home. Faiz was also at home as well. Finally we got ourselves a VCR player at home albeit 10 years too late. That was courtesy of Uncle Din. How thoughtful of him. Perhaps he just got too much money lying around his house. Or perhaps he bought a brand new one and decided to let go of the old one to us. Thanks anyway.

Sunday morning I sent Faiz to the railway station. Met and old school friend of mine Siti Munirah. I happen to have a little crush on her during primary school. She looked a lot different now, acne and slightly stocky. The day before I took Linda to Pasir Mas for some sight-seeing. We went to the Pasir Mas riverside and enjoyed some quality time together. Then I brought her for a stroll down memory lane before I sent her back. That's when I managed to stay a while, pray, take a peek at her home and get to know her siblings. The girls were quite warm and friendly although her brother looked too shy for words.

Of course Mom and Grandma I came home this time with a girl friend. They thought it would be just another random guy friend. Last night at the bus station I met her entire family who came to send her off. I was rather shy. Later we had a really memorable time together on the bus.

19 July 2001

Mess again

Yesterday I missed another examination because I overslept. I don't know who or what to blame. Heard this lecturer is quite unforgiving when it comes to things like that. I'll just try to give it a shot anyway. Who knows. I'm so broke. If only my rear tyre didn't puncture yesterday. I would still have some moeny. Now I have 5 ringgit left. Barely enoguh to make it to Hentian Putra tomorrow.

I'm already certain that Rose is doing her practical here, somewhere in KL. She just doesn't want to see my face anymore. I have no idea why and she's not telling. Just adds to my hatred even more. I'm just tired about Rose by now. Just go on with this life and leave hers alone. Now that I've got Sharifah to care about. She just become my inspiration at the moment. All this mess would have made me so low if not for her and the thought that tonight we'll be going home to Kelantan together tomorrow. Yes that's correct. She'll be by my side all the way that 300 kilometers. And I admit she haven't contribute anything much but this Kitty necklace and her attention. Still I'm sure it will gradually come as we move on. As I said, it's well too early for that. Then I found out she was also dumped by her boyfriend not long ago. Perhaps she's still hurt from that.

Being so broke truly sucks. Lesson learned, wish me luck.

5 July 2001

Let love leads the way.

I'm tired. Just tired of worrying about being broke all the time. It's time like this that I'm glad that I have someone to distract me from all my worries. Well I'm pretty sure I've got one now. In the beginning she's just somebody who happens to walk before me after I made up my mind to forget about Rose. I thought I would take just about anybody that fits into my criteria. You know, pretty, sweet, friendly, educated and a Liverpool supporter. She pretty much fits into everyone of that, except for the Liverpool part of course. She's not really into the Premier League.

Think I've done so much for her all this time. I thought it was simply going to waste since at times she acted so coldly towards me. At least that's how I see it. Then again at other times, she shines the light into this dark and lonely heart. Perhaps it's because she never had the experience. Perhaps she knew little about being loved and loving back. Perhaps she's still young.

Then suddenly it crossed my mind. It is all up to me to lead the way. It's up to me to show her how wonderful love could be. And I'm doing exactly that. It looks so promising at the moment. The sun is rising on the horizon. There's still a long way to go but we can surely survive if it's already written in heaven. Let us walk together hand in hand. Together. Forever.

19 June 2001

I had an accident on Friday. Some chinese jerk brake suddenly in the middle of the highway and I crashed straight into the car. His car barely got a scratch. Then he stopped by the roadside meaning to pay the damage to me. Gave me a phone number and took mine. I was relieved at least until I found out the number was some random chinese aunty who never heard of him. I was pawned. In the end I end up borrowing RM800 from my friends to get my precious bike fixed. It was too horrible to say here. Mom was exasperated when she found out. I'm just glad I didn't lose another tooth. One is bad enough.

Lina is having a relationship with this guy who is 15 years older than she is. I don't really care as long as she's happy. Mom would totally freak out if she finds out. REgistered to TM Touch a few days ago. Celcom is just too much to pay. A hundred bucks a month is beyond my budget as a college student. I'm getting quite left behind in my studies. Got so much to do and so little time. I missed Sharifah already. Some development from Rose. Her boss at her new workplace is so interested in her. There goes my hope. Not that I had much to begin with. In fact I'm starting to fall in love with this Sharifah Haslinda girl. Hope she feels the same way too. I'm broke and in a lot of debt but still I'm a happy guy. Got a girl to care about and the whole future lies ahead before me.

5 June 2001

The Dream Machine.

So after that visit to Shah Alam Faiz was more than eager to buy my RXZ bike. He even paid some deposit to me the next day. Mom didn't agree to my idea at first but after much persuasion she relented. My latest Celcom bill made it way to Pasir Mas somehow. No wonder my Mom was shocked. It didn't work, the Nokia code thingy for free call. Now I've got 300 ringgit in my long list of bills. Nevertheless, yesterday afternoon I became a proud owner of a second had NSR RR bike. The cost: RM7,000++. Actually the bike costs a bit more but the guy at the shop requested some money for himself to reduce the price without the owner's knowledge. It happens all so fast. Usually I don't want to have anything to do with this sort of things. But since I wanted that bike so much, I gave in to the temptation. Although I felt guilty for the entire week, life must go on. My McDonald's store is organizing a fun-filled picnic in Port Dickson. I was reluctant to go at first since I'm gonna miss several classes if I did. However if Sharifah did come along, I wouldn't think twice. It's all up to her.

My cousin Azmi is having an operation at the hospital today. All the best kid.

30 May 2001

What become of the broken-hearted?

Got myself a pair of brand new Michelin tyres and matching sport rim today. Made me smile all day long. Alhamdulillah again for all that. My wages is also in today. Somehow I still feel it's so little compared to my work at the store. I have a plan to sell my bike to Faiz, sport rim, tyres and all and get myself one Yamaha TZM. If he's not interested, there's a few people waiting in line ready to buy ABE. I'm pretty sure he will buy it.

The thing with Sharifah. She's acting so childish in this relationship. I wouldn't want to wait for her to grow up. It seems like she's got a whole world of secret inside her head and not willing to share it with me. Even refuses to tell me what's her grades are like. I suppose if we ever break up this instance, it wouldn't do her any harm at all. I used to love and still am loving. People like Rose and H. Rose sounded so consumed with her life at the moment. Wonder if she met another guy already.

Anyway, Mom would probably be enjoying herself in Sabah right now.

22 May 2001


Faiz has returned from his little tour in Perak and as a completely different and God-fearing man. That's all I can say. It seems like I almost didn't recognize him anymore with his long beard, Islamic clothes and all. Mom and Dad met for the first time in years. Lina, Faiz and I was there to witness this historic meeting. They sounded pretty serious about getting together again. I'm just so happy for them. Somehow Lina was not so enthusiastic. Grandma is even worse. She's worried that we the siblings might completely forget all about her. Don't be silly grandma. You know we will always remember and care about you for as long as you live.

The semester re-opens. I'm fully charged and raring to go. It's just that I'm missing Rose very much at the moment. I want to be the first person in the universe to wish her birthday later tonight. Still hanging by the moment with Sharifah. I guess time will tell. Thought about finding a couple of new girlfriends from college, you know as backup. H just looked better and better each time. At least she looks very happy from where I stood. She's happy with her man who I presume is a few years older. Old guy.

14 May 2001

Two days ago Liverpool F.C won the F.A cup. At first my heart was broken when Ljunberg scored that opening goal. Then Michael Owen scored two stunning goals within the last 10 minutes thus delivering the cup to the faithful Reds. By now, my real favorite color is truly red and red alone. Still got the UEFA cup to grab in 3 days time. Come on you Reds!

Lina has safely registered into UPM. Now we'll be pretty close to each other. I'm trying my best to make her feel at home here. Running errands one after another for her. The least I could do after all the naughty things I did to her when I was small. Grandma is here too at the moment and Mom will be following suit in two days time. My 5 days holidays from work at McDonald's starts today.

This heart is still hurt. I'm waiting exasperatedly for Rose to call. Chances are she won't. Guess I'll just have to wait for her birthday for my next call. Miss Piyah who taught me the Nokia phone trick got her phone bills already. So the trick does works after all. Still, I'm not so eager to start calling everybody just yet. Not until my own bill comes.

7 May 2001

Let's make it brief here.

Someone came by one morning to this house, to my room. Apai saw him very clearly and he claimed to be my friend so Apai just let him be. Next thing you know my brand new Nokia 3210 is gone. Just like that. I'm not angry with the thief. Maybe it is not my fate to use a brand new Nokia 3210. I am so very upset still. I worked my ass off for a month to get that phone and it's all for nothing. One moment you were asleep and the next thing when you woke up it's gone. Fortunately with the money Dad gave me, I could just bought another one. Life sucks without a phone. However that leave me completely broke again. Got rent to pay and gas to fill my bike with. That calls for the help of Mom who's always there when you need her. What's more my Store Manager just gave me a final warming about the trousers that I'm wearing. Said he doesn't want to see me in that thing again. That's just too bad isn't it. Wait till you see the phone bill mister!

And the thing with me and Sharifah Haslinda is all well. Although I spent RM9.00 2 days ago buying us lunch with very few money left in my pocket. Somehow I think it's all worth it. Now she's on her way home to see her Mom and Dad. I did get a chance to say goodbye at the bus station last night. She even surprised me with a phone call a few hours ago from the middle of nowhere. Perhaps she missed me already.

Called Rose too tonight. She sounded not so eager to talk to me. Maybe because of the exam she's sitting for. Maybe she's just tired of talking to me, Whatever it is, she's slowly fading away from this fragile little heart. Latest news: I am currently using Celcom. Clearly digital at it's best.

1 May 2001

Here come the happy days. First my wages had come in. I got around RM430+ after working for a month. Went straight to the phone shop next door at Uda Ocean and bought myself a brand new Nokia 3210. My second handphone ever. I actually had this thing against Nokia phones before since I'm like so loyal to Ericsson. However after actually using a Nokia phone for once, screw loyalty. I want the best phone there is. This Nokia phone is really comfortable to use. It's keypad is a pleasure to press and the sound quality is excellent. Not to mention the huge screen. Another reason I bought this handphone is because of this trick that Ms Piyah taught me. With a Nokia handphone and a Celcom registered SIM card, I can type in this secret code and call anyone for free. Although this sounds to good to be true being a poor student like me, it's too tempting not to try. That's why I sold my first ever handphone ever to Alina, a crew at the store and register myself at Celcom. The bad news is, I don't really know whether the trick above would really work. Even Ms Piyah is cautious of who she's calling since her phone bill is yet to arrive. In the mean time, I called almost everybody using Pendi's SIM card. Should this prove to be a hoax, I'll be selling one of my kidney to pay the bill.

In another development, Dad surprised me with a phone call just now. He was in town for some business so we arranged to meet at Central Market. We had lunch together and catch up on things. Later before we part, he gave me a generous 300 ringgit of pocket money. I was literally jumping with joy (on the inside). Just when I was about to regret spending 95% of my wages on that new phone. Now I should be able to cut myself a new trousers at the tailor. God knows how grateful I was for Dad.

Meanwhile the thing with Sharifah Haslinda is going pretty well too. At least as far as I'm concerned. She's always free to talk to me for hours on the phone. Maybe it was way too early to relate to her about my past with Rose. Let bygones be bygones. We finally decided not to go to Genting Highland later today. Came to a mutual conclusion that this outing would be a sheer waste of money and also most inappropriate this time of the year. Piyah, our organizer also pulled out at the last hour. So that was it. Another thing ism I don't have the heart to leave Ms Linda and one of my managers stranded at the store by themselves this labor day where people will be thronging into the store. That said, should Sharifah agreed to go, I wouldn't think twice (tee hee hee).

Mom, grandma and the rest of the family are worried on the whereabouts of my younger brother Faiz. From what I hear, he joined this little band of tabligh movement in Perak. We didn't hear much from him except for those 2 letters he sent home. Obviously Mom and Grandma were worried sick. Uncle Dib even called me a short while ago to ask if I know anything about Faiz's new little project. Naturally I knew next to nothing about this too since I don't really live with him or something. Let's hope all is well with Faiz.

28 April 2001

This door is closed.

It's official. Although deep down inside I still harbor a minute trace of hope but basically this door is closed to a girl named Roslinda. The door to my heart. Not because of Sharifah. It's all because of herself. She's a bad girl and she said so herself.Loving another man other than me is one thing, but choosing Hafiman as the other guy is totally unacceptable. It is unforgivable. Looks like my future wife is going to be anybody apart from her. If it's going to be Sharifah, I'll devote myself entirely to her. There's no more love from this guy to Roslinda is it? Yes, I'm sad again. Furthermore, Sharifah was too tired to talk to me earlier. I'm sorry Rose but we're not destined to be together. Forgive me for breaking my promise of loving you forever. Well, this forever and ever thing. It should be mutual.

25 April 2001

Yesterday we had a little crew meeting at Lake Perdana. Everybody was excited and happy and we had loads of fun. I got there rather late because it was pouring earlier. First a few managers gave some announcement and then there was these games we play. It was quite fun. I took this opportunity to get closer to Sharifah. Even got myself in the same group as her. We won the first game and lost the other two. That doesn't matter really cause everybody thoroughly enjoyed themselves. The picnic resulted in me missing the Asar prayers and I'm not proud of it. I was like a few seconds late only.

We to take out the garbage together again tonight. Somehow I didn't feel the romance in the air this time. Everybody went home afterwards except Sudin and I who stayed to clean the corridor. Plus a couple of other guys who were hired by the store to do the cleaning job properly. We finished around 3:30 am. I managed to talk to Rose on the phone, expressing my sadness and disappointment. Guess she took it pretty well. Even cracked a few jokes for me. That did made me really mad of course. I surely didn't put much hope on her now. Same goes to Sharifah. Poor me. Let's just be friends shall we?

Man I'm broke again. Got less than RM4 in my pocket. Oh yeah, I kidnapped a few Snoopy toys last night.

What did I do to deserve all this loneliness?

23 April 2001

Sweet - sweet girl. Yesterday morning, the necklace Rose bought for me accidentally broke. Or was it not an accident but more of a sign? A sign perhaps I should just forget about her and go on with my life? I am tired of feeling sad and mad every morning now. If only it was not Nor Hafiman she's involved with. Then I wouldn't be so sad or angry. Furthermore, I just grow tired of waiting in vain and uncertainty. One thing for sure, I've made up my mind not to call her, well at least not everyday from the store like I used to. I love my job now and it's just not worth risking it for her. Don't destroy your life for a something called a women. She said so herself. Well, you asked for it. Lina just bought herself a brand new handphone. I'm happy for her. Hope her love life is better than mine. Look forward to her wedding day. It doesn't matter with whom she's going to marry. As long as she's happy that's good enough for me. And if anybody dares to treat her wrong, I'll beat up that guy for her.

Last night when I was about to take out the garbage, guess who offered to accompany me? That's right old chap. Sharifah Haslinda did. I even got her phone number afterwards. Strangely enough, I don't feel the slightest sense of guilt this time. She's young and carefree and there's not a slightest hint that she belongs to anyone. Perhaps she belongs to a small porion of those girls who haven't found their mate in college, even after the second year. Truth is I don't even know if she's seeing anyone. Nah it can't be. What the heck. I'll just ask her directly next time. Rose, you better do something quick cause I'm walking away now.

This loneliness is truly unbearable.

19 April 2001

I'm in a terrible fix. It took me like a second to lose my sight and somehow I left my helmet inside the store. Since my manager already left for sometime, I didn't bother to call her. Then I tried calling a few of my co-workers using the public phone near the store but most of them are either totally broken or just full of shit. The best I could get was 2 seconds on the line before the line cut off.

Right there and then I realized the importance of having a lot of money to survive in this concrete jungle. If only I had some more credit left on my phone then I wouldn't be in this shit. If I had a little more credit left, I wouldn't have to go through all the trouble of borrowing a helmet from that guy at 7-Eleven, riding all the way back to Serdang and then come back to KL to return the helmet. On the bright side, I did made a couple of new friends today. Perhaps there is a good side for all of this. Lesson learned. Next time I will try to save some money you know, for emergencies.

Last night I spent the a couple of hours cleaning the fryer with Mr Samsudin. It was a lot of hard work but I'm totally cool with it. After all I don't sleep much nowadays. Mr Samsudin on the other hand was ready to fall asleep on the counter around 4:00 am. No wonder nobody volunteered to do this job earlier. Let's hope this would be something to remember by. I am anxiously waiting for the phone bill to come.

16 April 2001

Nor Hafiman. That's what his name is. The only thing that had gone wrog was that Rose got to know him first. That was during our matriculation period. He was her first love or so she said. I had never thought anyone would take Hafiman seriously. But I thought wrong. Now he's the wall separating us. Also the reason why Rose cried and cried last time. Hafiman is that type of guy who rarely prays and from our brief encounter, I can't say a single good thing about him. Yeah maybe he's a bit funny sometimes but apart from that he's one big loser. So basically I lost out Rose to a big loser. Who's the bigger loser now? Although he dumped her once I dont get why Rose still have a heart for him after what he's done. That's what made me really angry towards Rose sometimes. What she sees in him is beyond me.

Currently Hafiman is doing some teaching course in Kedah. Thank God he's so far away. Else I wouldn't have a chance. He talked to her mom on the phone and even proposed her to be his wife. Euww. Slowly but surely I'm losing confidence on Rose by the minute. Heard he gained a few kilos today. Good for you. Now if only I can be as thin as a stick. Boy, how he'll be surprised to see me now. Funny how he should be my motivation. I want to study hard, get a great job and show them who's boss. For now, I'll work my ass out at this store. With that cutey Sharifah Haslinda. We went to throw the garbage out together last night. Isn't that romantic? From my keen observation I can see that she's still single and available. Sorry she didn't get to meet her friend from Sabah last night because she had to work overtime (with me!). I never thought I'd find someone closer to home. But who knows right? She's younger than me and she had a nice short hair and she prays too.

15 April 2001

It's working time again. This time it's a whole different scene. This time I've turned myself into a workaholic. There shall be no more skipping works or slacking on the job like I used to. No fever or rain would stop me from going to work. There's a lot of new faces at the store. Some I disliked instantly and some were pretty cute. The managers were still the some. I've got to work very hard this time around. It is too dreadful to live poor and penniless. I don't work to experience that ever again.

Another reason I love going to work nowadays is that I get to use the store phone to call Rose every now and then. It was blissful. Of course I've got the manager's permission first. The thing is, they had no idea I was calling someone in JB. I wonder how would they react when they get the phone bill next month. I could get myself fired and have a few managers in trouble. Let's enjoy this while it lasts. Come to think of it, is it worth it to risk all of that for something quite uncertain? I just can't talk about Rose. It would make me feel so sad in an instant.

By the way, there's this new crew in store, a fellow Kelantanese but she probably had no idea that I came from there too. She's adorable that's for sure. But I just can't bring myself to ruin her. Perhaps I can make her fall for me but in the end I would just break her heart cause you know mine belongs to someone else. And you know pretty well who that someone is. Anyway she might already has a boyfriend or something.

Rose, you did hurt me real bad. Even she acknowledged that. But I forgive you nevertheless. It's all part of God's plan for me. Maybe there's some good in store for me from all of this. Perhaps there's actually someone out there that was created for me. Until then, I will be waiting in vain for dear Rosey. You know I've done so much for her. Just a few days ago Rose asked me to do her computer assignment. You guess it right, I did it for her ever so willingly. Yes Rose, use me. Your orders are my bidding.

And my Walkman has just gone broke. Something happened along the way to work yesterday. So stupid of me. I didn't even get to use it at work yesterday. There was so many customer I barely had time to catch me breath. Now I can't listen to cassette tapes and the radio tuner is not stereo anymore. That would also mean I'll have to get myself a new one which probably would cost a fortune. Just when I'm trying to save money.

1 April 2001

It was that letter that I received from Mom that made me realize how stupid and guilty I was all this time. It was partly written on the phone bills that clearly shows the cost of all my calls to Rose not so long ago. And that was enough to make me realize what an idiot I was. Blaming Rose is out of the question. I only have myself to blame. After this, no more unnecessary spending and phone calls. I want to save up for the future. It is not a pleasant experience like the one I'm having right now. Completely broke that I had to beg for money from Mom. And for that story in Larkin, I'll leave it for later. Just thinking about that made me all sad.

29 March 2001

It is all because of a person called Hafiman. I knew him for a brief 18 months or so. Enough to know what he's like. Obviously not someone I'd consider husband material. Okay I'm to devastated to continue writing this.

26 March 2001

The finals are finally over. The questions were relatively easy for the last paper. I took like 40 minutes answering all the questions rather than 2 hours. Still they made me wait the entire length of the exam before I can get out. How dreadful. They should have a law against this kind of torture. Finally around 10:30 am I took my bike and rode straight to Tangkak using the highway. I arrived safe and sound in Muar. Spent the night at my buddy's Azif's house. He was very kind to have paid for my journey there and all the way to Johor Bharu. Even lend me another 100 ringgit. How could I ever pay him back for his kindness. Rose didn't sound too excited to hear me coming. Maybe she had something to say to me.

Found out before I came along into her life, she's already accepted another men's love. And that man was Hafiman. That jerk. Of all people. I am just too depressed to continue writing this. Later perhaps.

5 March 2001

The great thing about she being so near to me right now is that I can talk to her through the phone and not lose an arm and a leg. It's still a great pity though that I didn't get to meet her. She was afraid that her dad might change his mind if I did. As much as that suck, I also don't have the urge to meet him or any member of her family soon. Anyway I hope to see her after the finals regardless. Wonder where I'll be staying then. My Mom know somebody there in Larkin. Azizie & Shahir is another option although I haven't heard from them in ages.

Half of the household is gone now. They're all gone home for Hari Raya Haji. The other half including me has their own reason for not going back. For me I just hate to board those extra buses again. They're expensive, old and just plain uncomfortable. Besides I didn't go home last year too so this year won't be any different. Mom and Grandma are going to Uncle Din's place in Alor Setar so will Auntie Yati. Lina and Izni would probably stay home. Izni just got her SPM result and they were excellent. She got 12 aggregates just like me. I am so proud of my little sister. There's always two of us, gifted children of the family. She's the other one. of course my two other siblings are equally special too in their own different special way. That said, I think I am the extra special one with the constant shock and surprises. And I like it that way. Conformity is boring. I'd probably stay home and study this holidays. There seemed so much to do with the computer now that it's up and running.

Rose is asking just RM10K for her dowry. That's the dowry alone. The wedding is another matter. Although I have no idea where to get that large amount of money in 2 years time. Especially when I just graduated and (hopefully) just started my first job. Let's hope I don't have to break a bank or something. RM10K man! Perhaps I could ask her to reconsider. Of course she said it was for the sake of our future children. Somehow that seemed so far away in the future right now. Grandma would not be too happy to hear about this. I've got to tell her nicely the next time we meet. She's really looking forward for our next meeting as much as I do. Don't be surprised dear if I looked much lighter than before. I only eat bread every day now.

All this talk about money is really unnerving.

4 March 2001

The past few days had very been a treacherous moment for me, up until now. Rose had ran out of credits so we can't exchange SMSs anymore. She told me she felt like dying because of that but I felt even worse. But then I also wonder if it's so bad for her why didn't she make any attempt to reload her credit? Perhaps she didn't have time to (I doubt it) or maybe she didn't have much money left (doubtful also). By the was she happens to be in town too right now. But like always, chances are we are not going to meet because of her busy schedule. And the fact I'm still to chicken to meet her parent (again). Anyway I've got this huge pimple on my face and I don't want her to see me like this. My hair is also too long for my liking and I'm in dire need of shaving too. The good news is she's planning to do her practical somewhere in KL, some time in June. Although that is still a long way to come but the thought of us being so near together is beyond wonderful. Needless to say we are so madly in love with each other and I'm so lucky to have her. Oh how I missed her so much.

In other news, Mom had generously donated to me some funds to buy a brand new hard drive. I met up with her in KLCC where she was taking some school kids sightseeing. Later I ran straight to the Mines Shopping Fair to get that hard drive. It costs me a cool RM345. Wish I could ask more to fix my poor bike. The brake pads are worn out and I need to get that fixed quick before I crash into something or somebody. Don't want Rose to be a widow so soon do I?

25 February 2001

So everything went according to plan that evening. I asked Jai to send me to the commuter station, carrying that heavy computer in my arm. But that's nothing compared to the other computer which was twice as heavy. My arm felt like they're gonna fall off any time. I waited for the train in Kajang which is nearer and much more safer for me to pray there. I dare not board in KL with those 2 computers in hand. It could prove to be a nightmare. The train arrived 20 minutes late. I sat next to this innocent looking guy who hardly spoke a word. In front of me was a little desk meaning I was in the middle of the coach. Perfect. Now I can put my PC on the table all the way to Pasir Mas. That proved to be a really costly mistake which I found out later on.

The great thing about about seats with tables is that I can stretch my legs as far as I want. Provided there's no passenger on the opposite side. A few people did sat in front of me but only for a while. And just when I thought there was no one to use the seat in front of me, another one came on board in Raub. Now my legs suffered from lack of space. I went outside in between the coaches to smoke and stretch my legs. Not long after though, I got tired of standing too long there. Lucky for me I did found an empty seat, all four of them for me to sit around 4:00 AM. The train arrived quite late at my destination. I expected that. Might as well not print the departure and arrival time on the ticket if you don't mean to keep it.

Mom came to pick me up and we stopped by Grandma & auntie's place along the way. After a quick shower I drove straight to Kota Bharu to get that PC fixed. Sure enough the motherboard was a goner. But since it's still under warranty, they can give me a new one although it would take weeks for that to happen. After dropping Mom off for her meeting, I went to the Kota Bharu public library, It's been a while since I last been there. The place haven't changed much. Time do flies when I was having fun reading some Enid Blyton's books.

Back home I tried to assemble the hard disk that I brought from Taman Desa Serdang, you know the one in the PC that I placed on the train table. To my horror I found it completely unusable. I suspect the vibration on the table during the 500 kilometers journey here practically crashed the hard disk. I'm an idiot! All thousands of my music compiled for 8 months gone in a day! Frustrated would be an understatement. Now I'll have to start over from scratch. Mom would not be too happy to hear about this. Computer components are not exactly cheap. Maybe I'll tell her in the morning. Damn.

21 February 2001

How I wished I had studied earlier. How I wish I had fallen for Rose sooner. Then my spirits would have been much higher and I would have gotten better grades. But that's just wishful thinking. With so little time left now it would be difficult for me to do well this semester. Today I sit for the last of my mid term exams. I shudder to think about the finals. Most of our classes are finished already. I should fully concentrate on my studies now. No more assignments or part time jobs. Next semester I promise to start early. This I promise you Rose. Wonder if we were destined to be together forever. But if any one of us would have a change of heart it would be her. My heart would never change. I'm that loyal kind of person, I assure you. I do hope she doesn't change. I'd be devastated. I love you Rose.

Just found out I can't live without the computer. That's why this Friday I'll be going home to Kelantan to get it fixed. I can't bear to live another day without it. Think of all the songs I have yet to download from the Internet. Even if the warranty doesn't cover the fried motherboard, somehow I'll want it to get fixed.

17 February 2001

It's my 100th entry in this journal. Looking back at the first few pages, I am quite ashamed of my handwriting. Obviously I didn't have much style back then. Funny how people could change so much in one year. Sometimes I just feel like getting a new journal so that I can completely forget about the past. But then it would be such a waste won't it? So I guess I'll have to write till the end. It's almost 5:00 am as I'm writing this. Actually I'm trying hard not to fall asleep. That's why I'm writing this right now. Perhaps I'm trying to fill up this pages quickly so that I can buy a new empty one.

Everything between Rose and me is going pretty well (I think). I missed her so and so does she.

20 minutes later.

Damn, I feel asleep for a minute and missed the prayers. Don't know why but my PC just went blank after finishing the scanner installation. That has never happened before. Later when I woke up and tried to have a look at it, I saw a small burnt mark on the motherboard. Even if it's under warranty, I'll have to send it back all the way to Kelantan. I could pray for a new one but you know praying alone won't give you anything. So that basically means I'll have no computer to use for the next foreseeable future. Should I call Mom for help?

11 February 2001

Mom came by this weekend. She and Lina planned to see my faculty dean to discuss Lina's admission here in May. They even rented a car for a whole day for the occasion. The evening before, it was convocation fair again here in UPM. As usual there was a fair with numerous stall set up selling all kinds of things. My friends and I didn't miss this opportunity to visit the place you know, sight-seeing. I end up buying some cheap sunglasses. They looked pretty cool. Thought I saw H again that night. Caught a glimpse of her walking with some boy. I didn't stop to make certain and quickly turned and walk the other way. I think she did the same too. It's like we have this mutual understanding.

How I wish Rose was here. It would be more fun and memorable. She told me she planned of coming yesterday if she didn't have any class. She didn't. Don't know why. Anyway I had to accompany my mom to the railway station. So there goes our plan. One more thing, she had this uneasy feeling about coming down there to see me. Said whenever she felt that way something bad is bound to happen. Either she's telling the truth or she just made that all up hor hor. I told Mom a little bit about Rose. She was surprised of course but overall she was very supportive. She doesn't see any problem with this relationship. She just wants me to get a decent job first, send her for an umrah and give her some money from time to time. And not to forget all our family have done for me. Of course mom. She even thought I was asking to be engaged by the end of the year when I only planned to do that when I graduate. What's more, she planned to go down to Johore Bharu later this year to visit a friend there and possibly meet her future in laws. I know she won't mind and I'm so very grateful for that. And since she told Aunty Zura, the entire family probably know by now too.

Rose's Dad bought a new home here in KL for her. A house for us. It costs RM160,000 something. That a monthly payment of RM1,200. Rose asked wether I can afford that. Obviously I can't right now and not too sure in the future too. She can't be serious. And this guy whose had an interest in her, you know that teacher. Well, he's just got engaged recently. Thank God for that. One less worry. That said, I still got a long way to go. That's for sure. And H, I don't want to hate you anymore. In fact I don't want to hate anybody no more. Let us all move on with our lives.

4 February 2001

I went to Sungai Buloh yesterday in the pouring rain. Riding in the rain is certainly no fun. The road is slippery and there's the small matter of zero visibility. The only reason I went there this time is to wash my comforter which has started to stink. I should try hanging it under the sun every morning. Rose came down to KL again. To his brothers place in Balakong. I thought about visiting them all day. Then I heard they were preoccupied with sightseeing and Rose wasn't feeling too well so I thought, maybe next time <-- chicken. It would be such a waste though, her being so close and yet we didn't get to meet. I'm positive her family should approve of me once we know each other better. I think I'm quite a likable person. I miss her so much. Didn't stop thinking about her all the time.

I always take this relationship things seriously. Especially with someone who loves me so. Tomorrow I'm going to call her and ask if I can go visit her there. I mean we are so near that it's crazy if I'm gonna miss this golden opportunity.

Zetty told me her sad story on how she was dumped by her boyfriend. I feel sorry for her. Obviously you're gonna meet many Mr Wrong before you find Mr Right. Cest La Vie. So I told her some really sage advice and surprisingly she said she's gonna try it and not feel so sorry for herself anymore.

2 February 2001

I am so happy today. Never have been happier in my life. Nothing else seems to matter right now. Got someone who loves me with all her heart. Although we were so far apart and at times it makes me miss her so much, it's okay. The important thing is she loves me. That's all I care. Thank you for loving me.

If I wanted to talk all about her, it would fill this entire journal. Back to the real world. Looks like we've got a new housemate. Last week Jai brought a friend here. Some guy from his home town. He just quit his last job in Rawang. I thought he was just staying here for a while until he finds a new job. Now though it seems like he's about to become a member of this household. Well, everybody else doesn't seem to mind. At least that what they appear to be. I do mind. He doesn't pray and that bothers me, a lot. And then when he was just about to give up looking for a new job, Isa and Azlan were kind enough to coerce him to stay. Even help him find one. I don't know what's got into them.

Fortunately, thinking about Rose does help me forget about this minor issue in my life. Yeah maybe I'm prejudice or something but now I learned to accept him as he is. Maybe because he's been friends with Jai every since they were small or Jai somehow talked everybody into liking him. Either way I don't talk to him much. Come to think of that, it's better to have a million friends that to have a single enemy. What good is that anyway? Friends can do a lot for you. I'll try to be nice to people now. Especially people I just met. Not to be too judgmental.

Aida already found out about us. Rose told her personally and she sounded devastated. We'll she's going to know sooner or letter so. It's not like we have anything me and Aida. Maybe there's this rule about not going in a relationship with your best friend's ex-boyfriend? Problem is, me and Aida we never had anything remotely close to a relationship. It's just an infatuation. On her side some more. I believe time will heal things. I spent close to 50 ringgit talking on the phone to Rose last night. I hope this is worth it. Her family comes regularly to Balakong. I was too chicken to meet them before. But then, I had no feelings whatsoever to her back then. Perhaps I'll go meet and greet them sometimes. Ha ha.

30 January 2001

Talking about Rose, she asked whether I'm really serious in this relationship or not. Of course I'm serious dear. Nevermind the monumental task I have to do to make it happen. So she said she is serious too and promises to be with me together forever. Words could not describe how I'm feeling right now. I mean someone actually agreed to be my wife! That said I must say I have to get to know her better. We both don't know each other that much. But since we're so far apart, that would be a challenge. She also told me she already told her mom. Now her entire family will probably know about us. My family doesn't have a clue about this though. However I have the notion of telling my mom soon, when she comes down here. Whatever it is she has to say, I'm more determined than ever to make this work.

At the same time I felt the urge to share this exciting and happy news with someone. So I told my best buddy Isa. He listened to everything and thought that I should be friends with her brothers. Are you kidding me? I've never even spoken to them before and now you want me to be besties with them? Fat chance. And then he told me his sad love story next. He told me how she likes this girls so much but she didn't give him any response or clue about how she feels. So she left him with this lingering hope but at the same time no definite conclusion. How cruel. From the way Isa relates the story to me, I could tell he really loves this girl. Whatever it is I wish for the best for you buddy. You're gonna need it ha ha! Isa. He's like the best friend I've ever had.

Rose loves me. Isn't that wonderful? Everything seems to fall perfectly into place. Life is wonderful.

28 January 2001

While I was at work yesterday I received a surprise call from dad telling me that his mother is on her way to KL by bus. That was unexpected. So I requested from my manager Piyah to leave early tonight but somehow she appeared to play dumb or she is really dumb. In the end, I could only get to Puduraya after work at 11:00. I searched everywhere for her but she was nowhere to be found. Only after an hour and half later I got a call from an elderly lady saying my grandma is with her. I couldn't thank her enough.

So grandma or Tok told me the story of how she went to Johore meaning to see her youngest grandchildren Meera and how my stepmother treated her so bad, saying bad things to her and not allowing Meera to speak to even speak to her. She managed to stay there for only today before she decided she'd had enough and come to KL to stay with her relatives. So I called them up and they came to pick up Tok from Puduraya and I end up staying the night at their place in Sentul. Poor Tok. If it wasn't for that kindly old lady at the bus station God knows what could happen to her. Remind me to hate that Rozana woman forever.

Grandma was absolutely delighted naturally when I agreed to stay. She could barely sleep that night. And when I was about to leave, she gave me about a hundred bucks saying it was from Dad. Somehow I'm certain that that money was for her. How selfish of her. Someday I'm going to pay that all back. Her kindness.

There goes my plan of crashing at my Dad's place in Johore this Hari Raya. That evil woman should probably hate me twice as much. No wonder all my relatives in Penang were telling how horrible that woman was. It's so true. I don't know what she did but they said they don't want to see her face ever again. Poor Tok. She only wanted to see her youngest grandchildren. What's the harm in that? She was sobbing over dinner yesterday. I promise I won't do such thing to my parent. I don't know what is wrong with Dad. Maybe that woman cooked up something evil for him. You'll never know.

27 January 2001

Today I knew for sure. There's several Malay word for love like cinta, kasih, sayang and yesterday she said sayang. Only God could make us part. This is the first time ever a women really, trully loves me. I could feel the tingle and all. I just realized how I've hurt her before in the past, unintentionally. Now there's no way I would ever hurt her again. Mom, Dad, you've got yourself a daughter in law. She's not that all at all but what she lacks in height she more than make up for it in character and personality. Again I must stress that this thing is really to wonderful for me. Now everything I do, I do it for her.

Don't know why I'm so very sleepy. Maybe it's because of the bread the I ate just now. I should not be sleeping after yesterday. This is amazing. Besides, if I sleep now there's a good chance that I will miss Subuh prayers soon. Studied a bit lately. Actually I've been studying since 8:00 pm yesterday. Don't want my Rose to marry a failure do I? Today shall be my last day at work. I'd like to concentrate on my studies. Rose said she'd like to be the first to congratulate me on my graduation day. Yes you will my dear. This I promise you. She should be sound asleep right now. Did I tell you about how she has these dreams in her sleep that always comes true? Maybe she has this special abilities or something but at the same time I wish they would stop because not all of them are very nice.

How I didn't notice her before is still a mystery to me. Maybe I was blinded by somebody else. I wish I would come earlier into her life so that she wouldn't be hurt by that other guy. That said, everything is God's will. If He dictates that we must be apart then so be it. Of course I would be devastated though. Wonder if she will actually hold my hand the next time we meet. I have a mind to go down there again. Maybe next month. Crash at my Dad's place or something. I hope my stepmom won't mind. I can't wait to see my stepsister for the first time.

Can you believe it? I finally found someone who loves me for what I am, wholeheartedly. I simply must study hard, do well and not get into any more accidents. That's what she keep reminding me about. This is not a dream man. I repeat, this is not a dream. It's as real as it can get. Wake up and smell the responsibility. So long with H. Yeah maybe she left a dent in my universe but I have truly moved on. Only God will do us apart. Not her family. Not anybody.

24 January 2001

I did go to work yesterday but with the sole intention of visiting our panel clinic. My manager was kind enough to let me go without any protest. Sure he will have one crew short but he'll manage. Besides, he just recently hired a couple of new hands at work. Else he'd be begging me to work. Me, I'll just miss a couple of hours of pay.

Back home the local authority came and demolishes every single illegal eateries down below. I was more than happy to see them destroy that crappy mamak stall my friends had been going to but at the same time felt sorry for the other marvelous stalls. That said I had the feeling that those mamak will start rebuilding their stall again in no time. I hope the authorities should come back often. Maybe I should report to them regularly.

Rose and I exchanged some lovely words from a couple of songs last night through SMS. Said she misses me. That has to be good right? Then she was worried that my family would not welcome her. Of course they will my dear. Why shouldn't they? Unlike yours, my family is the nicest, most open and understanding family in the world. Yes I'm being biased but that's the truth. Your family on the other hand. We should be worried about them.

Today also happens to be Chinese New Year. This is the year of the snake. Not that it got anything to do with me. 2,000 years of civilization and they still believe those kind of crap. I pity them. And those damn firecrackers. They've been burning them since 9:15 pm till now. I thought they were already illegal or something?

In other news, my foot is getting better right now. That new medication from the clinic works like a charm. Burnol was essentially useless. Happy CNY.

23 January 2001

Define maturity. Am I mature enough? That question seem to be revolving inside my head lately. Rose said the other night when I called from the store that I sounded different. My voice was much more mature. So she's basically implying I'm rather childish before? Did she meant it's only my voice that has changed or I myself that has become more mature? She refused to comment when I asked her that. Perhaps because I can't handle the truth. I don't know and I don't really care. Maybe I'm a little bit late growing up or growing old. Life is short. Enjoy while you're young. I don't want to act or pretend to be mature or some shit when clearly I'm not. I certainly won't change just for another person. I'm selfish & stubborn like that. Besides, you can't just 'make' yourself mature. It's a natural & gradual process.

Perhaps she just wants somebody she could depend on. Not some immature, easy going kid. But do you really have to act mature and old only then can you be dependable? Perhaps her last boyfriend Arman, yeah the same guy who broke her heart was really mature. That's why he gave her a watch and all. I hope that's not how you measure maturity cause it would really be shallow. Whatever. I'm just 20. The world is my oyster.

Despite all that I called her again last night. I'm so happy to be talking to her again, listening to her voice, hearing her laughter. Doesn't matter if it costed me a fortune. Well, it does matter a bit for a student like me. 30 bucks is a lot for phone calls. But I do want to talk to her. Texting just wouldn't do. Why does she has to be so far away?

The wound on my foot has not get any better. In fact it had swollen in size. Rose said I should see a doctor or something. Right. She's making all the decisions for me now? I'd like to take things slow and easy right now.

Will I be ready for marriage in 2 year's time? I certainly don't feel ready right now. Like I said, I'm a little bit slow in stuff like this. Serious stuff. Surely, getting married is not that hard isn't it? I have this plan of going down to Johor with me Dad next Hari Raya to see her parent. I dare not go there alone (who does?). Wonder what will he think of the idea. Will he be cool with that? It's no laughing matter this is. Obviously I need more time. Time to gather experience, knowledge and most of all, money. The thing is Rose said time is running short on her side. Said if she didn't find someone but 25 she'll leave it to her father to pick someone. I pray that this relationship would last. Am I for it? Deep inside I'm quite confident. In the end though it's God's will. We can only plan so much. Mom wisely asked me to finish my studies first, get a decent job and buy her a Kancil. Grandma talk I was kidding. Lucky she's my grandma.

Man these things sure is heavy. Just thinking about it gives me headache sometimes. I don't really want to think so much about it right now. Get good grades and the rest will fall into place me think. Working my ass at a fast food joint is a great reminder for me not to flunk my studies. I don't want to be working here forever. Okay maybe I could work at McDonald's but somewhere in management, not at the store.

Should things not work out the way I wanted it to be. Guess we'll have to go our separate ways. I don't exactly know how she really feel about me right now and I know I can't force her to. First we got to talk. Maybe I need to sound more mature. Right. Should this go awry, I'll be a wreck. Seriously. Would she? I don't know honestly. She likes to have a picture of me. Is that a good sign? I don't have any new pictures. Some old ones. Fat ones ha ha! I don't feel like going to the studio or anything. That'll burn a hole in my wallet. This thing cost money you know. Loving someone.

21 January 2001

Going to work make you realize how hard it is earning a living. Makes you more prudent in your spending. Even with your loan money because someday you'll have to work to repay it. Although in the future I might get a better job than this part time work, money is still an issue then.

Just called Rose yesterday at work. It's free because I called her from the store. Of course I got the kindly manager's consent first. Of course I can't do that all the time. It would be inappropriate. This is the only way I can talk to her without burning a hole in my pocket. I wonder if she ever appreciate this. All my hard work and effort. She probably would if she knew. Calling her every time costs a lot of money because of the distance. I think meeting her in person is far less expensive than those phone calls. But then she'll probably get bored of seeing me so much. Seeing how she still wore her ex's watch made me jealous alright. I should get her a new one. Don't want her to have anything to do with that guy again. Especially after what he did to her. She's kind like that. Didn't show the slightest hatred to the guy who broke her heart. I admire her for that. You're like the kindest girl I've ever known. Just add for another reason why I must marry her. She weighs only 47 kilos. I hope she'll keep that weight for the next 20 years or so. I hope she'll stay the same forever. I'll try my best not to be so fat. She's nothing like a super model and her face is far from spotless but you know what they say, it's the heart that counts. Talking like a real love-struck guy I am. How I long to see her. Not now though. It's Chinese New Year. A lot of people is going home. Plus I didn't make the necessary preparation. Tickets, accommodation and all.

Faiz is here, doing his assignment on my computer. He's still young. Still searching for an identity. Girls don't take him seriously. At least not yet. I totally understand. I was once in his shoes. I'm sure he'll make it alright. I have a paper to sit at 2:00 pm. Yet I'm almost completely lost. Don't expect me to do well this semester Rose. It's rather late to start. My bad completely. At least she's doing okay in her studies. Perhaps because it's just a diploma. That said, I'm sure she'll do just as well in her degrees. I like how her face looks squarish in those photos. Marriage. That word hasn't occurred to me before. Not until recently. How it's going to be. There seems to be an awful lot of things to do. But she can't wait. Age and time matters so much to her. Don't you worry. You have 6 brothers remember? And you have me. Where we shall live will depends.

This runny nose is a real nuisance. I tried to do without paracetamols but I took 6 already by now. Rose, she fell ill sometimes. She has this eating disorder. Even got her self admitted a few times. She's got it ever since she was little. Yes everybody loves to be slim but do take care of your health okay? Who's gonna take care of the kids if you're sick? Would they get my height or hers? Her family is kinda average from what I've seen so far. She must have taken that into consideration before picking me. Funny how she said she love me before and then started to have second thoughts about it. You don't do those kind of things. It's either you love me or not, that's it. I for certain don't easily mutter those special words. It has to be for real. Of not I won't say it at all.

I am a little accident prone. With the bike that is. I haven't had any accidents with cars though. At least not yet. I've never driven automatic cars before. She has. Her dad rent out taxi permits for a living. They have 2 houses. I don't know how well off they are nor do I care so much. She for once doesn't either. She's quite content with what she's got. Another quality. Man, Faiz when will you ever finish? I badly need to use the damn PC. Should I go to sleep? It's half past 3 already. Hmmm.